Am I just a fool?

I often wonder if I am just lingering onto a pipe dream with relationship, this marriage.  Does anything I need or want really matter?

He has an affair with this woman for how many years….then, the next thing you know he is telling me it is over.  Then, of course it isn’t.  Is he the type of man who wants his cake and eat it to.  According to his first wife he is, according to his family and friends he is.  He loves me, he wants me.  He is infatuated with her.  He wants it to be easy for him and have her to just drop out of his life.  He has said it.  I imagine that is because he was a primary person in starting this affair and the guilt is to much on him. 

He leaves in December on an excuse.  He is gone and having himself a good ole time with taking her here and there.  Living some sort of free life.  But, still coming home during the week to get whatever he needs from me.  I go through a life change.  I finally admit to myself the problem with the pills, the life, how and why it happened.  What I did, what he did.  I get help, I move forward, I am ready to move forward…. almost without him.   Remember he made me make this choice by leaving.  Then, he comes to me and he wants me for the rest of his life.  I go back again…regress again.  I want him, i love him, he is my soul mate.  He asks me to forgive him, to put the past in the past.  Will I wait and give him time to get rid of her.  He is afraid she is going to hurt me, tell me lies about what they did, what they were.  He wants to let her down easy and make their break up her idea.  I agree.  I didn’t realize I was agreeing to months and months of having to endure her calls and her period.  The past couple months haven’t been totally bad.  I mean they by far haven’t been perfect.  But, we have been happier.

She is not the type to give up.  She will be pitiful and call and call.  Not that she wants him, she just doesn’t like to lose.  He needs someone to comfort him.  He said she is like this mother figure or something to him.  She comforts him.  That is what he told me after I catch her down to his work. 

I reacted awful that night.  I went in and seen them.  She smiled at me.  Why?  Because she can.  That is the type of mean, cruel, sick person this woman is.  So pitiful she can’t find herself a man.  She has to go looking for others.  Her husband and mine said she was jealous of my life.  What I had.  God, I screwed up back then.  Told her girlfriend secrets.  Told her crazy thoughts going through my menopausaul mind.  I thought we had a pack, a girlfriend pack.  We had a woman who wasn’t happy in her own life and probably never will be trying to just kill me and what I had. 

I attacked her last Friday because she smiled at me.  His face was fear for me…fear for him, his face was a mix of “I can’t believe you of all people went this low.”  He knows me.  He knows what he has always said about me.  He said I always carried myself with class and to stoop to that level and do what I did to her ruined me in his eyes.

His story after that night changes slightly.  She comforts him, he didn’t realize when he ask me to put what he did in the past that he also needed to put things in the past.  He didn’t know how hard it was going to be on “HIM”.  He was only worrying about me and my feelings.  Selfish.  He said she calls him selfish also. I have called him selfish once.  Last week. 

Where will we go from here?  We just have to wait and see what Mr. Mee wants.  He doesn’t know.  He does, but he can’t have it the way he wants it and he finally knows that. 

Now, do I make the decision?  I am tired of being lonely and just sitting here waiting for whatever to happen.  But, God has been with me through it all.  If there is one thing that this mess has taught me is that God needs to be first in your life before anything or anyone.  My God will see me through this.  It might not turn out the way I want it to, but He will be there for me which ever way it does turn out.

I feel better since writing.  I do.  This is what I need and I pray no one finds it so I don’t have to delete it again.  She always manages to find my journals.  Reports to him and he doesn’t want his life on the internet.  I will only mention him when I need to and I will never mention his real name or put his picture up.

Someone put his picture on the internet with her from a party they attended in januray.  Little J seen it.   He was so upset.  He came to me and said “mom, I wish I would have never met _____ in kindergarten. Then, they would have never come into our life and she would have never been nasty and went out with his dad who is married to his mom.”  Out of the mouths of little ones. 

He is sensing something here lately.  He has started his little talks with me again and the grades are going down again.

The teachers know everything that has happened in his life, but do they care?  No….

I better go and spend time with my family.  They are here now.  They stopped by a friends house.  A guy he grew up with.  I was upset they didn’t come get me.  He reminded me that one time (during my trying times) that I said I didn’t like events like that).  Funny how he can change his mind on things but someone like me can’t change.

Is this a two way street?  I see a dead end a lot of the times. 

I wonder if she sees the dead end street in front of her?