Yesterday was Fathers Day and no our youngest didn’t see his dad. His dad golfed. He did come home early and we all went to the bowling alley. Of course he and I ended up in the lounge gambling. He has me gambling again because that is the only place he wants to take me. No dinners, no movies, no shopping. Just gambling and that isn’t all the time, just occasionally.
I got this check a couple weeks ago. Money seems to be the one thing that just stirs up awful arguments between us.
We went out with the money from the check a couple weeks ago gambling. He locked a machine up where we were. We then put more money in there. Moved on to another place. Come the next day of course we were down, but still had x amount in the envelope. I had the envelope. Big mistake. It doesn’t matter if I have 20 dollars or 3000 dollars if I spend it I am a dog. I am irresponsible. I don’t pay one bill. BUT, every pay day my check goes in his account which I assume pays the bills, and I rarely ask for any money anymore because it is just to much of a fight. Do I question what he does with the remaining money from the check? No, do I question him sitting in front of a gambling machine 4 days a week? No. I spend 300 to 400 dollars….on gambling…my big mistake. Admitted it, I screwed up. But, I am just the most irresponsible dog in the world. I don’t buy myself anything. The damn bottle of perfume water I have was given to me. I don’t buy jewelry or clothes. I buy myself nothing. I do nothing. I don’t golf like he does. He goes clothes shopping anymore like some woman. I know I am rambling here, but I am so upset that he has made me feel like I contribute nothing to this household when I do. Does he remember when we were seeing each other the damn money I gave him? I am just so upset that I screw up last year and now for the rest of my life I am a dog. Where is HIS forgiveness for me? I forgive him for everything he does.
I have been reading a lot or narcissist personalities. I honestly think he has a lot of those tendencies. I really do. I am the screw up in his eyes. He makes me feel like I am going crazy. He has no empathy for anyone or anything. He shows none. If I cry I am told to quit whining. I am entitled to cry. I am entitled to be upset. He takes those feelings away from me. Why?
I sometimes think that he makes up arguments so he can turn to her. Maybe that is what it is. I didn’t realize he had been going around talking to so many people about me. About the problem I had. He tells me I tell to much. Or, I tell to much about him and here I find out what the heck he has been doing.
The more I write. The more I live here. I see that this man has many problems. I love him yes, but HOW much must I endure of this? I am a good person. I am a faithful person. I am the most forgiving person there is. I do anything I can for others. I allow others to just take from me.
I deserve better than this. Yes, I do.
I posted in the Catholic prayer chapel that I forgive her for what she did to me. For having the affair with him, for lying to me. I do forgive her. I almost feel sorry for her. I wonder if she realizes what she is getting into? Does she see his mood swings? Does she see his selfishness? Does she read what I read on narcissist? Does she see she is being used too? He makes us feel so good till he nabs us then he takes control and slowly throws us out to the wolves and tortures us. Mentally tortures us.
When he left in Dec I had nothing.
I do now. If he was to leave. I have a job. I couldn’t make this house payment, but I could make most of the bills. If I have to I can live on my own and raise my son. What I want is the man i married back, but I don’t know if that is possible.
I am scared. I have no where to turn but to God. I have given this to Him and basically I am just riding it out. I guess the decision of my life will some how come to me and I will move with it. Or, things here will stabilize.
I know I sound wishy washy today. After that argument last night I am just shaky and broken. Not sure which way to turn.
I am scared today.
