I personally would say just from my studies, reading and going to conferences, talking to others like myself and treating my patients that opiates is by far the MOST addicting type of drug out there.  It is one where the with draw and cravings you will FEEL as if you dying, but you won’t, unlike a benzo with draw.  You stop benzo’s cold turkey and you end up generally having a seizure. Cocaine, is addicting, but again from what I have heard coming off that one still isn’t as bad.  Alcoholism, now there is opiates competer.  Of course alchol has been around it seems like for ever.  But, it is LEGAL to buy, consume and if not smart get yourself in a mess.

Here is some information that I have just picked up around the web that I thought I would share:

The following is a review on the book “Take Back Your Life From Pain Killers”

Suboxone is a very special medication. It has the amazing ability to allow patients dependant on legal or illegal medications, to experience a fully painless detoxification. The mechanism of this medication is totally unique, and is successful when other treatments fail. Hardcover version available (ISBN 0-9772729-9-0). Suboxone does not require in-patient treatment. It can simply be called into a local pharmacy over the phone. In contrast to pain medications, Suboxone use is strongly supported by the DEA, FDA, the Justice Department and all major addiction societies. You can take Suboxone 30 days or 30 years. And if you have chronic pain, it may be strong enough to replace your current pain medication. In this one-of-a-kind book, Dr. Schaller offers patients and practitioners highly useful information in the practical use of Suboxone. Dr. Schaller has worked with pain medications and addicted individuals his entire career. He is the author of fifteen books, and has invented dozens of unique pain treatments. He holds a Diplomate from the American Society of Pain Management and is the inventor of an antidepressant with anti-arthritis properties. As long ago as the early 1980′s, he was working as the Director of Education at a residential drug rehabilitation facility. Since then, he has helped a wide-range of people from all walks of life, and has successfully treated individuals with both psychiatric and addiction problems. He has extensive experience with 12 Step programs and alternative medicine addiction treatments. His passion is healing the many physiological causes of addiction which are often missed. Dr. Schaller is currently researching the body’s own narcotic stimulators, which are usually low in individuals struggling to maintain sobriety. Dr. Schaller offers services to individuals throughout the United States.

I posted a thank you to some that were concerned about me.  I am a live and breathing, but just not happy. Not living either.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

What would you say unconditional love it? 

Is it:

Loving someone for who they are no matter what?

Loving them for what they do no matter what?

Loving them through the good the bad the ugly?

Iam still around and do still get on the computer.  My life is still not much of a life and I still have to no clue what to do to fix it.  What I feel I do is just live it daily.  Not happily either.  I just breath, eat, go to work, do what has to be done and I come home. 

I have turned into a terrible mother.  I have a 14-year-old that I have no clue how he got to 14.  The last time I remember him being an age would have to be about 9 maybe?  He had is scolosis surgery last year!  I mean it will be a year in a week.  I can’t believe it.

His dad is still gone and I am not sure if it is due to me or just him being as miserable as myself, but he is so different.  Not that man I once knew.  Cold.  Won’t answer one question of mine.  Still  doesn’t want a divorce.  He use to come over all the time, but that stopped some time.  I can’t really remember when.  occasionally, if I mention sex he does come and take care of that part for me.  Sick that I can say that huh?  I don’t want any other man in that department, well, in any department.  Does he have sex with her?  I don’t know.  I do know she caught him having sex with some woman at his trailer one night when she snuck in.  What did she do?  She called me!  Like, huh, Crystal dear heart…why would you call me?  I knew it.  I know him.  I know him better than anyone else will ever know him.  She thought he was going to be loyal to her when he had the best he will ever have right here?  I laughed at her.  My one son was there that night.  He stays with his step dad.  What can I say he loves him.  He raised him and I am not going to do anything to ruin my kids relationship with him.  Crystal got a hold of his golf club and started beating his car.  My son went outside and called her a crazy bitch, told her to stop the shit.  She looked at him and said “Are you just going to let him cheat on ME?”  He said he looked at her and said “you crazy bitch he cheated on my mom with you, why in the hell would I care if he is cheating on you?”  I think what is really funny.  They were in the act, him pumping away on the woman and he somehow managed to convince the fat dummy that it wasn’t what it appeared to be.  ha ha ha ha.

I tried to call him back after she called to let me know about all the excitement, but he was on his cell phone with the chick he was thumping I presume….she jumped out the window in his bedroom.  God, I would have given a thousand bucks to be there. 

Does this bother me?  Well, at this point no….not with the other woman.  It was sex.  It is him.  I knew when I married him what he was.  I also knew that or thought I knew that he loved me.

I think I disappointed him.  I was the only thing that ever came in his life that accepted him for what he was.  Accepted him for what his childhood was.  And, who changed him for the better at one point.  We were the happiest couple, anyone who knew us knew that.  He was my king.  What happened?

I have had 5 long years to think about this.  Being that I was his only stable thing, the only one who knew him and accepted him for who and what he was.  He was very proud of his wife…as he would announce me.  HIS wife.  I would never cheat on him, still haven’t and never will.  I will die and he will be the last man who ever made love to me.

I often wonder if he didn’t realize that I was “normal”.  Just like any other woman out there.  I mean the whole time we were together up to that fateful time… I did for him as no other woman would probably do for a man.  He came first always.  When decisions were made I trusted that he knew what was best for us.  Financially, and in all other aspects of our lives.  When I went though menopause.  Or started menopause, that was when I changed.  That and Crystal’s entrance into our lives was the same time frame.  My 14-year-old has said it many times.  “All I remember mom is being MADE to play with some kid I didn’t even like.”  And, yes, I did make him play with her son.  I liked her.  I thought her and I shared so many of the views in life.  I wanted her as a friend so bad that I sold out my husband and sons for a friendship that was now what I know as a fantasy friendship.

She wasn’t happy in her marriage.  Or, maybe she was in the beginning, but once her and her husband and family was in our life she seen what she herself wanted.  She wanted a life such as mine. My king said the same thing.  She was very jealous of what I had, what we had.

I can’t really remember when it all started.  I would listen to her put him down so much.  Her tell me that I was crazy for “listening” or “asking” a man for something.  She would say he was disrespectful to me.  That he controlled me and that I shouldn’t allow that.  At first, I never once had a second thought as to what she was saying to me.  She went so far as to say what a terrible father he was.  How he did nothing with our son.  That he was selfish and did his own thing when he wanted.  He golfed to many days a week and was never home.  None of that bothered me.  Until, whatever changed in my head.  That is when the menopause started.  The crazy thoughts going through my mind.  I let so many people into my head, my life.  Instead of turning to him for what I needed.  Him helping me though it all I turned to her and I turned to the computer.  That is why he will often say “the computer broke up our marriage”.  What he means is I chose getting online vs going to bed with him at night.  I would stay up till all hours doing who knows what, because I don’t do it now. 

Then, in the mist of all this she has that little girl.  And, no, the girl is not his.  It is her husbands, or I should say her future ex husbands.  I volunteered to babysit.  When I told him that he blew.  He said why would he want to tie yourself down watching a baby?  We are at the point we have dreamed of Rita.  Where it is me and you and we can come and go as we please.  I felt sorry for her.  I did.  She stated she had to get back to work because her husband didn’t make money to pay all the bills.  No, he didn’t make enough money to keep all her wants that she insisted on having.  My husband said that to.  That is another thing I started doing.  She taughted me…. when we went shopping… are you really going to listen to him and stay on that budget he has you on? 

It is all so clear to me now.  To clear. 

He realized I was normal.  I was starting to do what other women did.  Lie and keep things from him.  I left him alone to go to sleep alone.  Sex,….. sex was always good with us.  We had sex all the time.  My mistake was letting her know that.  She after they started talking would tell him that I hated sex with him.  That I did it to shut him up or just to keep him off my back.

During the menopause thing did I want sex as much?  No.  But, I still wanted him to want me as much.  I never faked. He knew me to well.  I told him I didn’t have to be completely satisfied with sex, it was just being close to him that made me just as happy.

Then, the pain pills came along.  At first, not bad.  But, at some point they seemed to ease the symptoms of all the stress and bad going on in my life. 

I remember when her husband told me about them.  Letting me hear the voice mails etc.  I was crushed.  When I went to him he told me.  I do remember him asking me about the pills and if I was taking to many.  I would say no.  To him I lied.  To him….he realized I was normal.  I could screw up.  But, it was that Feb I quit cold turkey.  After hearing a voice mail he left her.  I got on my knees…. I didn’t stop crying for a week.  I laid in bed for over a week.  If there was with draws I didn’t know I was having them.  We talked.  He told me he was going to tell her that there would be no more phone calls, no more meetings.  I picked myself up slowly.  I trusted….I trusted…. then, months later I found out that he and her were still occasionally seeing each other.  I ask…he didn’t lie.  But, didn’t tell the whole truth either. 

That is when I think that old saying “I wasn’t feeding his needs and he got them fed else where came into play”.   From there it went down hill.  I started taking the pills again.  Oh how they eased some of the pain.  Then, it got so that the tolerance was so high I couldn’t keep up with it.   I lost jobs.  He left.  I finally got help.  He was proud of me.  I believe he was proud of me, but I now believe that he couldn’t forget that “HIS RITA, was normal”.  I could fall just like any other woman.

Since then so much has happened, too much has been said….

Does he love her as a man loves a lover?  No…. I know that from deep down.  But, he also feels guilt with her too.  She is now without a husband.  And, she plays games very well.  He knows this.  He has told me this. 

He will tell me I lied, she lied.  He has said nether of us want him, but doesn’t want the other to have him.  He is so wrong.  She wants him for money and help to raise her kids and pay for her bills.  She may have some feelings for him, but someone like her isn’t capable of love….deep love, unconditional love like he and I had.  He does do for her more than he does for me now.  But, I can’t blame him.  I have turned into one of those women …. a regular woman.  Not the woman he once had.  Why would he want that now?

I am insecure now.  At one time, in his arms I felt beautiful.  I never felt that my body wasn’t what he wanted.  My breasts are for sure not nearly and disgustingly as big as hers.  I am sure from what her husband says that she is a sex freak.  SEX.  Not love.  Her hair is long.  I cut mine off to spite someone.  Who knows who. 

My health now.  It is bad.  I never smile.  I work, try to make amends with him with finances, but have taken up gambling to ‘relax”.  None of that is me.  The me I once was at any rate.

I bombard him with questions.  He never answers, or has answered, but I think that they are not total truths so I ask again to try to get the truth.  I will never get what I am looking for.  I can try to try to be the person he once had.  But, will it ever happen?

Do I want him back?  I want the man I had back.  I don’t want the man that he has turned into, just like he didn’t want the woman I turned into.

Where do we go from here?  He says he doesn’t want a divorce.  But, he has said he doesn’t want to work on our marriage.  Why doesn’t he want the divorce?  Do I want one?  No.  But, why? 

I dont’ live now.  I exist.  I don’t smile.  I don’t laugh.  I don’t do one damn thing.  I don’t cook or clean.  I don’t go anywhere but maybe down the road to blow money.

I am lost.  He is lost.  Our son…all our sons….they all have different views on us.  They all have different feelings for us. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t blame him.  I don’t really blame me.  I blame us.  I blame her.  She at some point-set her sights on what she wanted.  But, I truly can’t just blame her either.  I had no idea by befriending her and telling her things that I thought girlfriends told each other would she turn them around to make me look like a woman who was settling for a man that was a nothing to her.  I allowed that to happen and that is my fault.

I will never have a friend like that again.  Never do I share anything with anyone except me.  Even this blog.  It is hidden to where people like her couldn’t find it. 

Why do I keep it when he hates me doing this?  I have to put the thoughts and words somewhere.  I have to be able to go back to something and reread it from the past to try to make some sense out of it all.

Does anything that happened in the past matter?  He will say no. I say that if you don’t have your past…which has good in it to then how can you ever move on to a future?  But, I mean a future with him only.  It is all so confusing that I don’t know where to turn to.

There are thoughts I have had that are not morally right.  I don’t want to leave this world in a sinful way….. but, I can’t live like this either.  I can’t say I have nothing to live for, because I do.  My children.  My grandchildren.

I need my husband.  I am not ashamed to say that in the least bit.  He kept me going.  He made me feel worth every breath I took.

I remember years ago praying to God, to please let us get together for forever.  And, He finally answered my prayers.  But, I don’t understand why He had this happen.  Is this the free will part of life?  I pray now….not nearly like I use to.  I sometimes feel as if I am not worthy to pray to our Lord.  I messed up.  Why should He gave me another chance?

I bought the book “The Purpose Driven Life”.  I have started it numerous times.  How do you read ONE chapter a day?  Is this a patience test book or what?

I have bought other books…but I lack one thing to make the suggestions in them work.  That is a partner that wants what I want. 

I don’t understand how he could fall in love with someone so quickly, even after what was going on with me…us.  Did I totally misread him?  Do I not know him the way I thought I did?  I knew he was selfish….but,it was always with his time not with HIMSELF.  What I mean is, it’s like he decided that our marriage would end just because of his thoughts and feelings.  I reminded him that during the beginning of our relationship when he went out and left me alone so much I didn’t take it upon myself to find someone to keep me company or to make me feel complete or better.  Those are the times he says “that’s the past”.  It’s over.  I want to scream….WHO SAYS ITS OVER?  YOU?  JUST YOU GET TO SAY THAT?

I have my thoughts with me and they are not good.  To sit and think about him down the road at her house, in her bed, taking a shower in her shower.  I can see him so clearly having sex with her.  Or, just getting in the car with her and her kids going to do something.  He has ask me why I want to torture myself with thoughts like that?  Maybe that is why he won’t answer my questions.

He says they don’t have sex.  He said yes, they have in the past.  But, it’s been forever ago.  No, I am not totally stupid.  She has told me what they do.  That is another thing.  When the one night her and I were up all night long texting and he was laying beside me.  he knew it was her.  But, then he swore the next day Imade it all up.  That I have such a great mind I can make a program that makes it seem that she has text me. 

I don’t know where or what to do.  I sometimes want to move from here.  But, that is running away and you can’t run away from something like this.  It will always be in your past whether you think about it or not.

I don’t want another man.  Never can I see myself sharing anything but with him.  So, I have accepted the fact that if he isn’t in my life, no one ever will be.

The thing I am having a hard time accepting is them, together, living together. Eventually, he asking me for a divorce because she tells him to get one.

There is only one who has a solution to all this and that is God.  There is a reason for all this.  There is a solution, but God is the only one with all the answers.

I know this stuff happens daily to couples,but I like to believe he and I were the exception to love.

I swear I did not see this coming.  I think back almost 6 years now and I still can not believe it happened.  I can’t believe that anyone was worth me and our family.

I look at him and wonder who he is.  I long for him to come back, but then I know it will never be the same.  Someone said I don’t want it to be the same, I would want now to be stronger and better and of course it would have to be different.

I don’t even know what it is that I want. 

All I can say over and over in my head is “how could she do this to me?”  And, to him I think “how is it that she is someone he would be attracted to?” 

She is brazen, and bold and she tells you what you will do.  Maybe that is what he wants now?  I don’t know. 

I can’t think anymore.  I ask God to erase everything in my mind.

I remember my mother in-law before we put her in that nursing home.  She said Paul is coming back home.  He loves you.  That woman is bad news.  And, she would say, “look what she did to my hair”.  that makes me smile.  If you knew Mother Mildred you would smile to.

Do you know that when his mom passed and when our son had his surgery…not one hug was shared between he and I?  Not for joy with Josh or for sadness when Mildred died.

But, I know he had to have received hugs by someone.

I am confused, lonely, sad and hateful.  I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed and sleep daily.  I hate my job.  I hate working with those pill heads.  I use to be proud of what I did.  I want out now.

I had my sister come here because I felt I needed her.  Now over half her family is living here and that is miserable. 

I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be with anyone.

I need help, but don’t know where to go.  I have one thing in my head and that is it.  Am I pathetic?  I don’t care.  It is how I am.

I want to scream for someone to fix me, but there is no fix.

So, I just continue day after day doing the same thing over and over and over.

I want help and answers, but the one I need them from won’t give them to me. 

But, then again, what if it isn’t what I want to hear?  Is that why he won’t give them to me? 

I feel so stupid. 

Once again this is Rita signing off.  I hope I will get her before another year flies by.

 Merry Christmas

Last year, he was home.  But, I don’t know if he really wanted to be. 

I have to stop that.  I can’t keep bring him into every damn thing I say or do. 

I come home tonight and he was getting ready to go out.  He said Josh could go with him, but Josh wanted to go to a friends.

Work is beginning to really suck.  Or, maybe it is all lifes bullshit that is making everything in my life seem like they shit?!?!?!

I need something new.  I need a change.  I have thought so much since Josh is through this surgery and he is healing so good.  That if someone I could save up enough money I could take off for the coast for a wehile.  I am thinking a year or so….not just a week or so.

So many things has happened and I would love to just sit in a chair, with my toes in the sand and the sun hitting me in the face.  No cares, no worries.  But, could I do that?  I doubt it, but I think I should atleast try.

One of these days I will make up my mind and get the nerve to do it.

I need to change something.  My whole life was my marriage and family.  Things are changing.  I had always thought Mr. Mee and I would travel and do things.  Oh, all those plans we talked about when our little one was little and what WE would do.

As for Christmas.  I figured it is going to be a slim one.  It really is for everyone if you think about it,   People do not spend their their money like they use to. 

Josh got his X Box earlier since he had his surgery.  I ordered him some clothes from Dicks last night and some things out of the NC Duke catalog he wanted.  I am going to get him a game and maybe a set of movies and that is it for him.  The older boys some clothes.  Maybe something else.  I don’t know.  And, their families are getting bigger.  Women, women with kids.

I feel so alone.  I feel as if there is no one in this world that loves me.  I mean loves me like a man loves a woman.  I lost him.  I lost him.  I hate that I was turned into that person and that small few years erased all they love?  I can’t believe that.  I believe it was their …. lust?  Nah.  He made sure he let me know that the reason nothing was ever said about their “friendship” was because people would turn their frienship into something dirty.  In my book…it was dirty.

I don’t care who started it….she was my friend, he my husband …. one of them should have had the sense to love me enough to stop whatever, but no one did.

It was an exciting time for them.  They weren’t getting what they needed from me or her husband…..and they got it from each other.

I once again turned what I wanted to be a happy run of the mile “thought” into a thought about them.

No, people time doesn’t always take care of everthing….no for this chick.  Maybe if enough time goes by it will.

I guess I will close for tonight.

And, Merry Christmas….                  

Happy thoughts and memories for everyone

Paul,Rita and their family

Your prayer petitions have been entrusted to the Holy Spirit Adoration Sisters of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania by Rita

December 14, 2009

In the name of the Reverend Mother General

Sister Mary Catherine, Superior
Holy Spirit Adoration Sisters

If someone would have told me 2 years ago that I would be working in a doctors office and doing Suboxone inductions and counseling the same type of people I once was….I  would have laughed at them.  I really would have.  2 years ago I was still using.  I was working down the road at a bowling alley/fun center trying to figure out how to make my pay check go a million miles.  You know I had to have enough money to buy my habit and have enough money to bring home to prove I was working.  I was on a roller coaster ride to hell is where I was. 

December 15, 2007  I lost a friend to cancer.  She was my age.  She was also my biggest supplier.  I met her probably 2 years prior to the day she died.  She was selling hydro 10/650′s.  She got a load of those and OC’s.  I never was into the OC’s.  But, because she knew my husband she let me have the hydro’s for 2 bucks a pop.  Cheap, cheap cheap.  I sometimes think that is how the habit got so bad was being able at the beginning to find them so cheap.  When she needed hers towards the end there I had to find another source.  My habit then went to anywhere from 8-10 bucks a pills.  Percocets seemed like was always available and it ticked me off those were more expensive because to be perfectly honest those and a hydro was the same thing to me.  Never did the percocet give me a better or longer buzz.  I was just a pill head trying to survive in this awful world. 

Beck died.  I couldn’t even go to the funeral home because I was to ashamed.  I was running on slow because I couldn’t afford to get what I needed to make me function “normally” and I didn’t want to go there and have people think things about me.  That ruined a very good friendship I had with her sister.  Her sister didn’t talk to me for months because I “couldn’t even be there for HER”. 

It was December 20, 2007 that I went to the clinic to start on Suboxone.  I had been reading about it for months online.  I knew it was the way I had to do this.   I couldn’t find any doctors in this area so I just had to deal with the clinic.  It was 22.00 a day.  They didn’t accept insurance.  But, you know….I spent how much on my habit?  I found the money for the habit, so I found the money for the clean up of the habit.  I ended up finding a doctor that took me as a patient in Feb just a couple months later.  At the same time I started the job I am currently working.  But, as a medical assistant.  I thought it so ironic that here I was 2 months into my treatment and I was working for a doctor who prescribed more pain meds that I could ever imagine.  Honestly, it was an addicts dream job.  One of the perks of the job was she treated us if we needed a doctor.  I thought “Good Lord, if this was just 3 months ago I would have made up so many “injuries” for needing hydro’s, percs…whatever”.  Yes, she was a very niave doctor.  I watched people come in there and just use her to get their crap. 

At some point I found out that she could write my sub script for pain without her having certification to prescribe suboxone.  You need the certification if your writing it for opiate dep.  About a year ago I started on her about getting her certification.  I told her I would help her.  I found a CME online that she could do from the computer and her and I could do it together.  Before that I had started looking online to take classes for substance abuse counseling.  It all seemed to come together.

She got her certification in April of 2009.  We have 28 in our clinic.   She realized when I started doing regular drug screens on our patients that we had a big problem in our office.  Now, I would say we have more people who come in and get the scripts to go out and sell, but we had many who was very addicted.  I had released 50 patients my first 6 months working there.  The office manager ask me if I was trying to shut the office down.  I told her no, but we had a big problem in this world with addiction and diversion.  She told me I couldn’t save the whole world.  I told her “no, maybe not, but saving a small part makes you feel pretty good.

Since April have I learnt a hell of a lot!  First off, not everyone wants to get clean.  I have had patients who started the program, but ended up selling more sub than taking it. 

The younger ones are harder than what I will say the 30-50 year old range.  The older ones….we been doing it so long and just don’t have the energy to keep getting on that rollercoaster. 
We wouldn’t give a pill away let alone sell it!

Ihave had to go to court for a young lady who the CPS made get clean or lose her kids.  I knew from the first day that she wasn’t ready.  Even called her worker and told her as much.  But, I worked with her and worked with her.  She was always saying “I slipped up just a little this week”.  It was always one thing or another.  I didn’t want to give up on her, but I knew I wasn’t helping her either.  She had TO WANT the help.  I had to release her.  Found out that her husband was a big user.  They started selling her sub to support his habit and hers again.  Sad thing is… I think had he been behind her, maybe just maybe she would have made it.

Last week the court took her kids.  The judge ordered them both rehab and as he put it “You will do it the old fashion way, through in house rehab.  He then added that methadone and suboxone was not an option for either one of them.  They couldn’t take the “easy” way out”. Yep, those were his words.  I had to bite my lip.  (smile).  I mean suboxone by far was much easier to get clean than going through all the WD”s and all that, but I wanted to say to him, “Sir, addiction is addiction and yes, suboxone is a great TOOL to help with the physical part of it, but the mental part no matter how you do it…is all the same.” 

Then we had the dude that stole a script…wrote it….then had the balls to say that he and I were lovers and I was writing him scripts for people and selling them for 400 bucks a pop. HELLO…. I wanted to punch him in his face.  What really pisses me off.  He was my second inductee on the program and I was so proud of him.  He was working it, doing the 12 steps, seeing me and seeing another counselor….and seeing a PAROLE officer weekly for grand theft of fire arms.  Yep.  Shister from hell is what he was.  Threatened me and everything.

So, is my job rewarding?  Some days …I jump up and down and say yes, without a doubt.  Other days….when the phone rings and it is the “Here To Help” program that the makers of Suboxone has in place online or it is just another addict who found us online, I want to say “Sorry, our clinic is full. You might want to check back in a few months”.  (Like I said those are the bad days).   And, I said that I WANTED TO SAY…….  I never do.  But now I know what it is like to be on the other side of the telephone.  or the table in a counseling session.

I think it helps that I will sometimes share that I to am a recovering addict.  That I still take Suboxone.  But, Ihave learned the hard way that you can not share that information with just anyone.  You can get very hurt if you share it with the wrong people. 

In my job I basically just handle the “getting through certain parts of recovery”.  I am not qualified to do major counseling and dealing with duel problems.  Behavioral and addiction together or other depression issues or bi polar issues with addiction.  For that we have the clinic that actually saved my life on stand by and we refer patients to them.  We also have a contract with a couple other places in our area that does major counseling etc.

My clients schedule their appointments with me always on a monthly basis on the day they come in to see the doctor for the script refill, but there are some that in the beginning see me on a weekly basis.  I guess you could say I am a certified “friend” for them.  In all honesty….they help me as much as I help them.

So, here in 15 days I will be celebrating  2 years of soberiety from opiates. Is that really 730 days????????? Wow!

In some ways my life is so different and in other ways it is still so sad and sick.  My marriage ….my family.  I thought with my “getting clean” would bring us all back together and it be better than ever.  But, sadly, that is not the case for me.  I have a husband who harbors ill thoughts and feelings about that time of our life and the things I did. 

When, I see a patient and their spouse comes with them and I hear how wonderful their life is now since the other got clean and how this is great and that is wonderful and how the one stood behind the other.  I honestly have had to cut short the session and go bawl my eyes out.  I wonder “why couldn’t my recovery be like that”  “What did I do to not be forgiven”? “To not have a husband who smiles at me and thanks God that His wife is back”?  I mean he does say he is proud of me.  But, then there is always a but….. and for some reason he says things that I did that were so awlful and I know I was into the pills, but I wasn’t in a state that I don’t remember crap….he wants me to believe I did this or that.  That is when I tell him….you need to say that stuff to justify the affair you had during that time.

End of this session…… 

Of course in the waiting room there was tension.  Chris and Amanda was there, as was Andie, Eddie and Nana, myself and his dad.  Not much was being said. We just all sat there rather quiet.  I got out my yarn and started working on his afgahan I told him I was making him (still working on it), Chris spotted the lap top so it was his for the day.  Lois and Eddie sat there quietly.  My sister sure can have patience when she needs to.  Paul all of a sudden jumped up and said he was going to the car to sleep.  He said they wouldn’t be calling us for at least 4 hours and he just had to get out of there. I went with him so I could smoke a cigarette.  Bad idea, I knew it.  I knew I was going to start something with him.  That is just how it is now days with us.  But, I only got this attitude because when I tried to grab his hand earlier when they were wheeling Josh out, he pulled away from me.  Like I had the plague.  Right then and there I realized that the man I had married, the man I had been with for over 20 years had in fact left.  This new guy in his body was someone I don’t care for at all.

I came in the hospital after our little fight.  Left him in the car.  I went to the Chapel.  I was saying my rosary.  I said a regular rosary then doc had given me a paper to say the “Devine Mercy” Rosary.  Just as I said the last Amen, my sister was texting me to get upstairs he was done.  I was like what?  It had only been like 2 1/2-3 hours.  I started worrying something bad happened and they had to stop or something.  I called Paul while I was running to the elevator and he was like “he is done?  It is over”  Omg…”  We met at the elevator and when we got off Lois was saying go up and as the lady there.  I heard his name and they were waiting for Dr. France to clean up and come talk to us.  Next thing i know a nurse was taking us down a hall way in recovery and there was the doctor and he was like half walking half running so and rambling how well it went and how great our little boy did and he was awake already and wanting food.  He came back with us and talked to Josh and us and told Josh to move his feet and a few other things.  Dr said he would be going to his room in a few minutes because he did so wonderful waking up from the anesthia.  I went to wipe a tear away from our little guys cheek and he kind of jumped because I scared him.  Paul yelled at me to not touch him.  And, said some other not so nice things.  I crumbled.  Did that man just tell me not to touch the child I carried.  The child he wasn’t sure he wanted to have.  The child who I raised, with him, but more on my own because Pauls saying was always.  “You will have him during the younger years and I will take over around the time he hits 8 so I can teach him the REAL world and all the man things he needs to know.  I stared him down like you wouldn’t believe.  I didn’t hear anything else.  The nurse said “mom you want to ……” I can’t even remember what she said but at that point my heart was broke and I felt as if I didn’t belong anywhere near my child or didn’t belong in there at all.  I told her no, that I needed to leave and let her do her job.  She was saying no, your the mom your fine here.  I told her no.  Ask her what floor he was going to because she said he was doing so great that she was taking him out of recovery and on to the floor.  I said “ok, let me get out of your way and I will go upstairs and wait for him.”  I just had tears streaming down my face.  Paul said yes, we will go wait for him to go up.  Josh said “I want the two of you to go up with me from here.”  I was walking away and a few minutes before that Paul told me point blank.  ” I don’t want anyone touching him or kissing him or doing the baby, baby stuff with him.” I said “of course not.  I will make the announcement to all his brothers and family NOT to touch Josh.”  He was meaning my sister who has Hep C and he is so damn ignorant, you can’t get it from touching or kissing unless blood is involved.  He was trying to say “I don’t want to have to worry about infections etc.”  “this is a big surgery and the biggest risk factor is infection”.  I said of  course.  I was leaving and Paul said “mom, you going to give him a kiss?”  I said “no, I don’t want to get him dirty.”  He repeated it and by that time he knew he had done messed up with his words and his actions with me.  He put a brick wall up right there between me and my son and for sure between he and I. I still don’t know if I can ever forgive him for what he stole from me that day.  I could hear that nurse saying “is she ok?, What happened? ” Paul I don’t think knew how to answer her.  She said “Sometimes moms have the hardest time when seeing their babies like this.”  It wasn’t that.  I had a BASTARD for a father for that child at that point.  Honestly, Paul has changed so much since he started that affair with her … what…how many years is it now?  I am sure while he was in the car he had to call her.  In fact he did tell me he told her when Josh’s surgery was.  I told him to stop right there.  That bitch is to not know one thing about my son.  She was to not come within 50 feet of the hospital or him.  he said he understood that. 

But, he is a different man.  He keeps saying we need to put our past in the past if we are ever going to move forward.  I told him if he was asking me to forget all the past, including the Paul he use to be…there was no future because if I meet THIS Paul I would never dream of having any type of relationship with a sob as he was now.  He is cold hearted and just not … well….the man I knew long ago.  I am sure he would say the same about me.  He says that I did things during that period to turn him away from me.  I abused pills for about 2 years, but he won’t accept that the majority of that time was AFTER I found out about him and what was suppose to be a good friend of mine.  He doesn’t want to believe that so that he has the excuse I was a drug abuser that is why he turned to her.  The real reason is they were both selfish, horny, disguisting people who thought only of their own wants.  It doesn’t matter who made the first move, the other should have stopped it.  Or whoever did make the first move should have never acted on it.  Two families totally ruined because of their selfishness.  I am not starting on that again.  And, for them to continue it still to this day?  But, of course he says it is not of that nature now.  He says should he be talking to her and is it more than a married man should have with another woman…?  yes….but there is no more of the … I can’t even say it.  It makes me sick.

While in the hospital it was a lot of tension.  Paul I have to give him credit.  He has be wonderful with Josh.  Working with him.  Staying by his side.  Making sure that the pain didn’t get ahead of him.  Helping him get up.  He has been SO great of a dad.  I look at that part of him.  Watch him with him and think “is there still part of that old man still inside that body?” 

One night while there at the hospital he had to work for a few hours.  Josh as beside his self at one point.  They had taken his hydromorphone pump away at our request.  Put him on percocet.  But some how we missed a dose and went past the 4 hour time limit.  I had to tell the nurses to please automatically give him the pain meds every 4 hours round the clock.  But that evening Josh kept crying saying “I need dad mom, I really need dad”  I called and Paul talked to him and told him he would be there very shortly. That kept him settled.  Since we been home Paul has stayed here.  More like moved in again.  I know there is going to be the time when he leaves again.  I have to make sure I keep myself prepared for it and not act on any bad emotions or feelings.  When he goes to work Josh makes sure he gets a time etc from him as to when he is coming back.  I know when his dad leaves again it is going to be hard on him to.  We haven’t discussed how long he is staying.  He did ask me if I could make him room in his closet for clothes.  Although, he hasn’t brought but a few things from the trailer.  He has worn what he left here for here.  I ask him where his one shirt was he had on the other day and he said “At the trailer”.  I said to him in a smart ass tone. Yep, you want to make sure that not much of your NEW clothes and life style gets back here.  He just yelled that he got hot chocolate on it and used pre wash on it.  I have been washing his clothes here, why couldn’t he just leave it here? And, when did he go to the trailer to change?  I can’t keep doing this to myself.  I am never going to heal and get past anything. 

After all the miserable things I have said to him and done… I ask him the other day…Are you ready to give me a divorce now?  He point blank said NO.  I said yea, your going to wait till the right time…your time….then smack me with it.  He said he would never divorce me.  He said if that is what he thought I really wanted he would file for divorce, but he knows me well.  I don’t want a divorce.  I want our marriage to mend.  Our lives to some how come back together.  I am slowly losing hope of all that happening.  I ask him…what about you, don’t you want a divorce?  He said no.  But, he is completely ok with living his single life and staying legally married to me.  If I went out with another man he said it would hurt and bother him, but he couldn’t say anything considering what he has done to me.

There has been more than just Crystal.  He told me he had a sex addiction.  He said for all those years I never once turned him down for sex.  Never once did I ever tell him no.  No matter how tired I was.  I grumbled some.  When I was going through menopause especially.  But, he did give me that much.  He said and here he goes and does what he did to me…to us.  He said that at one time.  Lately I wonder if he still means some of those things he has said.  I have pushed him to a different level.  I have said and done the nastiest things.  Things he said he never expected out of his wife.  That I wasn’t capable of them.  He said I made him realize I was just like all the other women out there.   Vindictive bitches.  He said I was always above all that.  At one time.  Just like him I have changed.  I have this battle armor of nasty I keep ready to use.  He said he expects certain things from her…the bitch he calls her.  But, yet he keeps that bitch around. Or, she won’t go away.  I know she has threatened to kill herself.  He says that she doesn’t want him,but yet she calls daily.  She demands.   When she had my number she made sure she let me know just enough to hurt me.

Well this post is turning into something I didn’t want it to.  It lost direction, or I have I should say.  I don’t want to go in those directions anymore.  I want to just stick with the what is, not the what ifs…or the what was….or the what anythings…

That is my update for my sons surgery.

And, they got him pretty straight.  LOL  That is funny to say that, but what do you say about scolosis surgery?  That is the point of it.  And, to keep it to where his lungs and heart wasnt going to be hurt.

This is Minnie Mee….signing out for now.

I found this while reading anothers blog (Shot Through The Heart) .  I hope it was ok to save it.  But, it gave me such hope I had to put it somewhere so I could read it often.

After a while…

I am scared.  And, tonight before I go to sleep I am saying a novena that Mother Teresa use to say in dire need and I am saying my Rosary without falling asleep.  I am going to sit right here and say them.

Mr. Mee is staying tonight.  He was wanting me to come in there and “get close” with him and I got to thinking where were you the past two nights when I needed you?  I put him off, fed him ice cream and a danish and he fell asleep.  He kept saying something about me and the computer.  It always comes back to the computer.  He has always said since we got one that I quit paying any attention to him and I just sit on it all day long.  I will admit there was times I did.  But, he was golfing or out.  I wasn’t doing anything bad.  I just had nothing else to do.  And, he says that is where our marital problems began.

I will close with that.  I really want to say my rosary and my little guy is still awake.  He can’t get to sleep because he is all up in the air and nervous….which I can’t blame him.  He is 13 and going through a surgery that is long and tedious.  He has scolosis.  I remember when they first found it and we went to the specialist they said that it would probably not get bad enough to have to worry about it.  That in girls it does, boys not as much.  Well, he – we it did and here we are.  Off to surgery.  Fusing of his spine, titium rods and screws. 

Pray for my little Josh.  He is the most precious gift gave me and my husband.

later……