If someone would have told me 2 years ago that I would be working in a doctors office and doing Suboxone inductions and counseling the same type of people I once was….I  would have laughed at them.  I really would have.  2 years ago I was still using.  I was working down the road at a bowling alley/fun center trying to figure out how to make my pay check go a million miles.  You know I had to have enough money to buy my habit and have enough money to bring home to prove I was working.  I was on a roller coaster ride to hell is where I was. 

December 15, 2007  I lost a friend to cancer.  She was my age.  She was also my biggest supplier.  I met her probably 2 years prior to the day she died.  She was selling hydro 10/650’s.  She got a load of those and OC’s.  I never was into the OC’s.  But, because she knew my husband she let me have the hydro’s for 2 bucks a pop.  Cheap, cheap cheap.  I sometimes think that is how the habit got so bad was being able at the beginning to find them so cheap.  When she needed hers towards the end there I had to find another source.  My habit then went to anywhere from 8-10 bucks a pills.  Percocets seemed like was always available and it ticked me off those were more expensive because to be perfectly honest those and a hydro was the same thing to me.  Never did the percocet give me a better or longer buzz.  I was just a pill head trying to survive in this awful world. 

Beck died.  I couldn’t even go to the funeral home because I was to ashamed.  I was running on slow because I couldn’t afford to get what I needed to make me function “normally” and I didn’t want to go there and have people think things about me.  That ruined a very good friendship I had with her sister.  Her sister didn’t talk to me for months because I “couldn’t even be there for HER”. 

It was December 20, 2007 that I went to the clinic to start on Suboxone.  I had been reading about it for months online.  I knew it was the way I had to do this.   I couldn’t find any doctors in this area so I just had to deal with the clinic.  It was 22.00 a day.  They didn’t accept insurance.  But, you know….I spent how much on my habit?  I found the money for the habit, so I found the money for the clean up of the habit.  I ended up finding a doctor that took me as a patient in Feb just a couple months later.  At the same time I started the job I am currently working.  But, as a medical assistant.  I thought it so ironic that here I was 2 months into my treatment and I was working for a doctor who prescribed more pain meds that I could ever imagine.  Honestly, it was an addicts dream job.  One of the perks of the job was she treated us if we needed a doctor.  I thought “Good Lord, if this was just 3 months ago I would have made up so many “injuries” for needing hydro’s, percs…whatever”.  Yes, she was a very niave doctor.  I watched people come in there and just use her to get their crap. 

At some point I found out that she could write my sub script for pain without her having certification to prescribe suboxone.  You need the certification if your writing it for opiate dep.  About a year ago I started on her about getting her certification.  I told her I would help her.  I found a CME online that she could do from the computer and her and I could do it together.  Before that I had started looking online to take classes for substance abuse counseling.  It all seemed to come together.

She got her certification in April of 2009.  We have 28 in our clinic.   She realized when I started doing regular drug screens on our patients that we had a big problem in our office.  Now, I would say we have more people who come in and get the scripts to go out and sell, but we had many who was very addicted.  I had released 50 patients my first 6 months working there.  The office manager ask me if I was trying to shut the office down.  I told her no, but we had a big problem in this world with addiction and diversion.  She told me I couldn’t save the whole world.  I told her “no, maybe not, but saving a small part makes you feel pretty good.

Since April have I learnt a hell of a lot!  First off, not everyone wants to get clean.  I have had patients who started the program, but ended up selling more sub than taking it. 

The younger ones are harder than what I will say the 30-50 year old range.  The older ones….we been doing it so long and just don’t have the energy to keep getting on that rollercoaster. 
We wouldn’t give a pill away let alone sell it!

Ihave had to go to court for a young lady who the CPS made get clean or lose her kids.  I knew from the first day that she wasn’t ready.  Even called her worker and told her as much.  But, I worked with her and worked with her.  She was always saying “I slipped up just a little this week”.  It was always one thing or another.  I didn’t want to give up on her, but I knew I wasn’t helping her either.  She had TO WANT the help.  I had to release her.  Found out that her husband was a big user.  They started selling her sub to support his habit and hers again.  Sad thing is… I think had he been behind her, maybe just maybe she would have made it.

Last week the court took her kids.  The judge ordered them both rehab and as he put it “You will do it the old fashion way, through in house rehab.  He then added that methadone and suboxone was not an option for either one of them.  They couldn’t take the “easy” way out”. Yep, those were his words.  I had to bite my lip.  (smile).  I mean suboxone by far was much easier to get clean than going through all the WD”s and all that, but I wanted to say to him, “Sir, addiction is addiction and yes, suboxone is a great TOOL to help with the physical part of it, but the mental part no matter how you do it…is all the same.” 

Then we had the dude that stole a script…wrote it….then had the balls to say that he and I were lovers and I was writing him scripts for people and selling them for 400 bucks a pop. HELLO…. I wanted to punch him in his face.  What really pisses me off.  He was my second inductee on the program and I was so proud of him.  He was working it, doing the 12 steps, seeing me and seeing another counselor….and seeing a PAROLE officer weekly for grand theft of fire arms.  Yep.  Shister from hell is what he was.  Threatened me and everything.

So, is my job rewarding?  Some days …I jump up and down and say yes, without a doubt.  Other days….when the phone rings and it is the “Here To Help” program that the makers of Suboxone has in place online or it is just another addict who found us online, I want to say “Sorry, our clinic is full. You might want to check back in a few months”.  (Like I said those are the bad days).   And, I said that I WANTED TO SAY…….  I never do.  But now I know what it is like to be on the other side of the telephone.  or the table in a counseling session.

I think it helps that I will sometimes share that I to am a recovering addict.  That I still take Suboxone.  But, Ihave learned the hard way that you can not share that information with just anyone.  You can get very hurt if you share it with the wrong people. 

In my job I basically just handle the “getting through certain parts of recovery”.  I am not qualified to do major counseling and dealing with duel problems.  Behavioral and addiction together or other depression issues or bi polar issues with addiction.  For that we have the clinic that actually saved my life on stand by and we refer patients to them.  We also have a contract with a couple other places in our area that does major counseling etc.

My clients schedule their appointments with me always on a monthly basis on the day they come in to see the doctor for the script refill, but there are some that in the beginning see me on a weekly basis.  I guess you could say I am a certified “friend” for them.  In all honesty….they help me as much as I help them.

So, here in 15 days I will be celebrating  2 years of soberiety from opiates. Is that really 730 days????????? Wow!

In some ways my life is so different and in other ways it is still so sad and sick.  My marriage ….my family.  I thought with my “getting clean” would bring us all back together and it be better than ever.  But, sadly, that is not the case for me.  I have a husband who harbors ill thoughts and feelings about that time of our life and the things I did. 

When, I see a patient and their spouse comes with them and I hear how wonderful their life is now since the other got clean and how this is great and that is wonderful and how the one stood behind the other.  I honestly have had to cut short the session and go bawl my eyes out.  I wonder “why couldn’t my recovery be like that”  “What did I do to not be forgiven”? “To not have a husband who smiles at me and thanks God that His wife is back”?  I mean he does say he is proud of me.  But, then there is always a but….. and for some reason he says things that I did that were so awlful and I know I was into the pills, but I wasn’t in a state that I don’t remember crap….he wants me to believe I did this or that.  That is when I tell him….you need to say that stuff to justify the affair you had during that time.

End of this session…… 

I know I should have updated before now on Josh and his surgery.  I took the lap top with me to the hospital so I could write and post his progress and some pictures etc.  I guess from the get go that morning things were just not ment to go right.  Some how I had thought that Mr. Mee and myself would end up close together while our little guy was being wheeled away from us in pre op for them to break his spine and reset it with rods and cadivar bones and fusions etc.  The nurses said ” Mom, Dad, come and give kisses and tell him you will see him in a bit.”  I am a mother shoot me…I was crying.  What was I suppose to do stand there with pom poms cheering Go Josh go?  I touched his dad’s arm and said you going to give him a kiss bye?  I seen the tears in his eyes and oh he is just such the tough man.  Dare not cry.  I swear there is only maybe 3 times in 20 plus years I have seen him shed tears.  He said to me, a very harsh tone.  “I has to be done.  Stop the damn crying.”  I just told Josh I love you babe see you in a bit and I swear if looks could kill I would have done his dad in.  Although, later…about 3 hours later the look he got SHOULD have killed him!

Of course in the waiting room there was tension.  Chris and Amanda was there, as was Andie, Eddie and Nana, myself and his dad.  Not much was being said. We just all sat there rather quiet.  I got out my yarn and started working on his afgahan I told him I was making him (still working on it), Chris spotted the lap top so it was his for the day.  Lois and Eddie sat there quietly.  My sister sure can have patience when she needs to.  Paul all of a sudden jumped up and said he was going to the car to sleep.  He said they wouldn’t be calling us for at least 4 hours and he just had to get out of there. I went with him so I could smoke a cigarette.  Bad idea, I knew it.  I knew I was going to start something with him.  That is just how it is now days with us.  But, I only got this attitude because when I tried to grab his hand earlier when they were wheeling Josh out, he pulled away from me.  Like I had the plague.  Right then and there I realized that the man I had married, the man I had been with for over 20 years had in fact left.  This new guy in his body was someone I don’t care for at all.

I came in the hospital after our little fight.  Left him in the car.  I went to the Chapel.  I was saying my rosary.  I said a regular rosary then doc had given me a paper to say the “Devine Mercy” Rosary.  Just as I said the last Amen, my sister was texting me to get upstairs he was done.  I was like what?  It had only been like 2 1/2-3 hours.  I started worrying something bad happened and they had to stop or something.  I called Paul while I was running to the elevator and he was like “he is done?  It is over”  Omg…”  We met at the elevator and when we got off Lois was saying go up and as the lady there.  I heard his name and they were waiting for Dr. France to clean up and come talk to us.  Next thing i know a nurse was taking us down a hall way in recovery and there was the doctor and he was like half walking half running so and rambling how well it went and how great our little boy did and he was awake already and wanting food.  He came back with us and talked to Josh and us and told Josh to move his feet and a few other things.  Dr said he would be going to his room in a few minutes because he did so wonderful waking up from the anesthia.  I went to wipe a tear away from our little guys cheek and he kind of jumped because I scared him.  Paul yelled at me to not touch him.  And, said some other not so nice things.  I crumbled.  Did that man just tell me not to touch the child I carried.  The child he wasn’t sure he wanted to have.  The child who I raised, with him, but more on my own because Pauls saying was always.  “You will have him during the younger years and I will take over around the time he hits 8 so I can teach him the REAL world and all the man things he needs to know.  I stared him down like you wouldn’t believe.  I didn’t hear anything else.  The nurse said “mom you want to ……” I can’t even remember what she said but at that point my heart was broke and I felt as if I didn’t belong anywhere near my child or didn’t belong in there at all.  I told her no, that I needed to leave and let her do her job.  She was saying no, your the mom your fine here.  I told her no.  Ask her what floor he was going to because she said he was doing so great that she was taking him out of recovery and on to the floor.  I said “ok, let me get out of your way and I will go upstairs and wait for him.”  I just had tears streaming down my face.  Paul said yes, we will go wait for him to go up.  Josh said “I want the two of you to go up with me from here.”  I was walking away and a few minutes before that Paul told me point blank.  ” I don’t want anyone touching him or kissing him or doing the baby, baby stuff with him.” I said “of course not.  I will make the announcement to all his brothers and family NOT to touch Josh.”  He was meaning my sister who has Hep C and he is so damn ignorant, you can’t get it from touching or kissing unless blood is involved.  He was trying to say “I don’t want to have to worry about infections etc.”  “this is a big surgery and the biggest risk factor is infection”.  I said of  course.  I was leaving and Paul said “mom, you going to give him a kiss?”  I said “no, I don’t want to get him dirty.”  He repeated it and by that time he knew he had done messed up with his words and his actions with me.  He put a brick wall up right there between me and my son and for sure between he and I. I still don’t know if I can ever forgive him for what he stole from me that day.  I could hear that nurse saying “is she ok?, What happened? ” Paul I don’t think knew how to answer her.  She said “Sometimes moms have the hardest time when seeing their babies like this.”  It wasn’t that.  I had a BASTARD for a father for that child at that point.  Honestly, Paul has changed so much since he started that affair with her … what…how many years is it now?  I am sure while he was in the car he had to call her.  In fact he did tell me he told her when Josh’s surgery was.  I told him to stop right there.  That bitch is to not know one thing about my son.  She was to not come within 50 feet of the hospital or him.  he said he understood that. 

But, he is a different man.  He keeps saying we need to put our past in the past if we are ever going to move forward.  I told him if he was asking me to forget all the past, including the Paul he use to be…there was no future because if I meet THIS Paul I would never dream of having any type of relationship with a sob as he was now.  He is cold hearted and just not … well….the man I knew long ago.  I am sure he would say the same about me.  He says that I did things during that period to turn him away from me.  I abused pills for about 2 years, but he won’t accept that the majority of that time was AFTER I found out about him and what was suppose to be a good friend of mine.  He doesn’t want to believe that so that he has the excuse I was a drug abuser that is why he turned to her.  The real reason is they were both selfish, horny, disguisting people who thought only of their own wants.  It doesn’t matter who made the first move, the other should have stopped it.  Or whoever did make the first move should have never acted on it.  Two families totally ruined because of their selfishness.  I am not starting on that again.  And, for them to continue it still to this day?  But, of course he says it is not of that nature now.  He says should he be talking to her and is it more than a married man should have with another woman…?  yes….but there is no more of the … I can’t even say it.  It makes me sick.

While in the hospital it was a lot of tension.  Paul I have to give him credit.  He has be wonderful with Josh.  Working with him.  Staying by his side.  Making sure that the pain didn’t get ahead of him.  Helping him get up.  He has been SO great of a dad.  I look at that part of him.  Watch him with him and think “is there still part of that old man still inside that body?” 

One night while there at the hospital he had to work for a few hours.  Josh as beside his self at one point.  They had taken his hydromorphone pump away at our request.  Put him on percocet.  But some how we missed a dose and went past the 4 hour time limit.  I had to tell the nurses to please automatically give him the pain meds every 4 hours round the clock.  But that evening Josh kept crying saying “I need dad mom, I really need dad”  I called and Paul talked to him and told him he would be there very shortly. That kept him settled.  Since we been home Paul has stayed here.  More like moved in again.  I know there is going to be the time when he leaves again.  I have to make sure I keep myself prepared for it and not act on any bad emotions or feelings.  When he goes to work Josh makes sure he gets a time etc from him as to when he is coming back.  I know when his dad leaves again it is going to be hard on him to.  We haven’t discussed how long he is staying.  He did ask me if I could make him room in his closet for clothes.  Although, he hasn’t brought but a few things from the trailer.  He has worn what he left here for here.  I ask him where his one shirt was he had on the other day and he said “At the trailer”.  I said to him in a smart ass tone. Yep, you want to make sure that not much of your NEW clothes and life style gets back here.  He just yelled that he got hot chocolate on it and used pre wash on it.  I have been washing his clothes here, why couldn’t he just leave it here? And, when did he go to the trailer to change?  I can’t keep doing this to myself.  I am never going to heal and get past anything. 

After all the miserable things I have said to him and done… I ask him the other day…Are you ready to give me a divorce now?  He point blank said NO.  I said yea, your going to wait till the right time…your time….then smack me with it.  He said he would never divorce me.  He said if that is what he thought I really wanted he would file for divorce, but he knows me well.  I don’t want a divorce.  I want our marriage to mend.  Our lives to some how come back together.  I am slowly losing hope of all that happening.  I ask him…what about you, don’t you want a divorce?  He said no.  But, he is completely ok with living his single life and staying legally married to me.  If I went out with another man he said it would hurt and bother him, but he couldn’t say anything considering what he has done to me.

There has been more than just Crystal.  He told me he had a sex addiction.  He said for all those years I never once turned him down for sex.  Never once did I ever tell him no.  No matter how tired I was.  I grumbled some.  When I was going through menopause especially.  But, he did give me that much.  He said and here he goes and does what he did to me…to us.  He said that at one time.  Lately I wonder if he still means some of those things he has said.  I have pushed him to a different level.  I have said and done the nastiest things.  Things he said he never expected out of his wife.  That I wasn’t capable of them.  He said I made him realize I was just like all the other women out there.   Vindictive bitches.  He said I was always above all that.  At one time.  Just like him I have changed.  I have this battle armor of nasty I keep ready to use.  He said he expects certain things from her…the bitch he calls her.  But, yet he keeps that bitch around. Or, she won’t go away.  I know she has threatened to kill herself.  He says that she doesn’t want him,but yet she calls daily.  She demands.   When she had my number she made sure she let me know just enough to hurt me.

Well this post is turning into something I didn’t want it to.  It lost direction, or I have I should say.  I don’t want to go in those directions anymore.  I want to just stick with the what is, not the what ifs…or the what was….or the what anythings…

That is my update for my sons surgery.

And, they got him pretty straight.  LOL  That is funny to say that, but what do you say about scolosis surgery?  That is the point of it.  And, to keep it to where his lungs and heart wasnt going to be hurt.

This is Minnie Mee….signing out for now.

I found this while reading anothers blog (Shot Through The Heart) .  I hope it was ok to save it.  But, it gave me such hope I had to put it somewhere so I could read it often.

After a while…

Well, this is it.  The night before my little guys surgery.  I have packed and got everything I can think of to take to the hospital with us.  I will pack the laptop last. 

I am scared.  And, tonight before I go to sleep I am saying a novena that Mother Teresa use to say in dire need and I am saying my Rosary without falling asleep.  I am going to sit right here and say them.

Mr. Mee is staying tonight.  He was wanting me to come in there and “get close” with him and I got to thinking where were you the past two nights when I needed you?  I put him off, fed him ice cream and a danish and he fell asleep.  He kept saying something about me and the computer.  It always comes back to the computer.  He has always said since we got one that I quit paying any attention to him and I just sit on it all day long.  I will admit there was times I did.  But, he was golfing or out.  I wasn’t doing anything bad.  I just had nothing else to do.  And, he says that is where our marital problems began.

I will close with that.  I really want to say my rosary and my little guy is still awake.  He can’t get to sleep because he is all up in the air and nervous….which I can’t blame him.  He is 13 and going through a surgery that is long and tedious.  He has scolosis.  I remember when they first found it and we went to the specialist they said that it would probably not get bad enough to have to worry about it.  That in girls it does, boys not as much.  Well, he – we it did and here we are.  Off to surgery.  Fusing of his spine, titium rods and screws. 

Pray for my little Josh.  He is the most precious gift gave me and my husband.

later……

I am so hurt and angry right now.  He told me today that he was going to do what he did yesterday, lay around the house.  Next thing I know he is heading out the door at 12 says he is going to his brothers.  Back at 2:30 and going golfing with two friends.  Finally get him to answer his phone by borrrowing someone elses cell and he answered.  Ask him what he wanted for dinner, said when ever I get there I will eat.  Said he was golfing.  This was around 6 pm.  It is 1 am and no him.  Won’t answer his phone for me or our 12 year old son. 

Her husbands car is gone.  Her van is down there at her house and some green truck.  No lights on in the house at all.  I just have this feeling.  I am always right on with the feelings. 

He will golf tomorrow if he comes home tonight.  He has his golf clubs with im so maybe he won’t come home.  Who the hell knows.

Yesterday he wanted to make love or whatever it was. 

What is it with him?  Did this man change THAT much?  I swear he has never treated me like this until her.  3 years ago.  What happened?  I have never ever been mistreated by him at all.  He always considered my feelings.

Yeah, the Rita that talks to you like a nut sometimes.  The one that begs you to make my life better. 

The one wondering what did I do to deserve this in my life?  A man who just blantly now talks to his other woman and tells me about it.  Who still occassionally wants sex with me.  Who tells me to get away from him because my cream or purfume stinks.  Maybe I should find out what he buys her and wear it and then he might hold me in his arms?

God, really send me a sign.  I have tried to have hope, I have tired praying.  I have tried just giving it to you and I am so bad with that I just keep taking it back.  Someone once told me you can’t give God your problems then take them back and I do it all the time.  I try to make it all happen at ocnce.

What is so bad about me?  I know that woman is better than me.  I allowed my ugly self to show to my husband.  She is prettier, she is friendlier, more wicked, but I am sure for a while she can control that.  Once she gets total control of him she will have a good one.  She will change him.  He will give up his money to her and trust her to do the right thing.  That is why she always in front of him to me stressed why she worked.  She is more sexually attractive, sexier voice…..I have heard he has said these things to her.  I am just this old washed up old hag now to him.  I am a baggage that he can’t seem to get rid of.  I need to let go then he won’t feel so bad.  Isn’t that the least I can do for him?  Just let him go……… he wo’t have a decision to make, it won’t be on his shoulders.  He can walk away with a clear whatever.

…………….on some of the old comments and posts I have shared.  You know, not much has changed when it comes to the mister and me.  We are still in the same spot we have been in for going on 4 or 5 years now.  Hell, it has been long enough for me not to remember exactly HOW long.  Take that back February 19, 2005.  That is the day that I confronted him and her.  The day that my life changed. 

Actually, my life changed before that.  Going through my recovery I know that now.  Those 2 1/2 years of popping pills…. I was using those for an excuse for the menopause and the stresss, the menopause was the excuse for the pills.  It was all just an excuse for a time in my life where everything to me in my mind was changing.  But, I was the only one changing.  Had I not gotten so lost and so distant to him…to everyone…. no one, I mean NO ONE could have ever penatrated our marriage.  That is how close we were. How much he loved me and I loved him.  But, it happened, and it was for a reason.  Not really sure what that reason was, maybe I will never know.  I do know that mentally I am a little better.  Time has a way of taking care of a few issues.  But, I still cry or get teary eyed at least once a day.  I still have that gut wrenching feeling when I know he has talked to her.  Do I think they were what the were back then? No, but then again I don’t really know for sure.  I know he has said it and I have said it, until he totally shuts her out that he and I can never have anything.  And, of course as he always says…. it wasn’t all just her.  She wasn’t the only reason this happened.  She was the end result.  Maybe if it wasn’t her it would have been someone else.  Who knows.

I have heard the past year or so he has gotten a little crazy and has turned into Mr. Pimp.  I don’t know if those are true statements or just rumors. Do I think he has an addiction to sex or had one?  Yes, for sure.  He is a functional alcoholic.  He is not the same man I married. This man is cold.  Hard.  Almost like he is empty inside. He has no memory.  He sems to remember what he wants to remember.  But, half the time he can’t remember one of his own childrens birthday.  And, so many other things.  I still think that the surgery and the meds had something to do with that.  He acted so strange those first few weeks.  I mean hallicunating in the hospital.  Saying “bring me the secret phone, I know at work they are doing wrong things”.  Called work and told them that he can see them and he knows they are screwing him around.  Things that were for sure not him.

I started this post just to say that looking back and reading not much in that area of my life has changed other than I have accepted certain things.  I am trying to move forward .. somewhere.  Make some improvements in my life.  Some changes. 

In other areas there has been much change.  My job.  We now have a suboxone clinic and I went and got certified to work with the patients and counsel them.  Of course ultimately the doctor gives the ok, to proceed with the induction and then stablization period, but she trusts my judgement and I pretty much do that and she just pops in to give the ok to proceed. 

Honestly, I wanted this so bad for our office.  But, these past 7 months since we started has been a real eye opener.  I mean we are only allowed 30 patients the first year.  We have a list a mile long for people needing help.  And, in our small rural area there is not much options for these poor people.  We have the methadone clinic that also does suboxone but, it is an arm and a leg.  We have a huge clinic about 40 minutes from us but there is a waiting list a mile long unless you go in inpatient.  So, the need in this area for suboxone doctors is very high.  I am hoping more will get certified.  I understand though why they are scared to.  The diversion with suboxone has grown to an all time high.  Hell, just in our clinic I have dismissed 2 for selling their meds.  And, it is always the young ones.  The 19-24 age group.  Us old foggies won’t let go of our meds.  No way!  The young ones.  They get stabilized and then no matter what dose have them on they adjust down to where they can sell at least 1 pill per day at 25.00 per pop.  It is sickening.  Everything about narcotics makes me sick.  It doesn’t matter what side of the fence you are on when it comes to pills, it is bad.

So, in my career that is where I stand.

My family.  Wow.  Well, It is just me and Josh here at home, with my sister and her 19 year old daughter who moved back here last year and have been living here with us.  And, let me just say…. once you have lived on your own, it doesn’t matter who it is you can’t go back to your childhood or another time and live with them.  I am surprised either of us has hair left on our heads.

She has Hep C.  yep, found that out after I got her a job in one of our other offices. She was an LPN but of course lost her license due to, you got it…..narcotic pills.  That is another entry.  She is doing the treatments.  And, she has been sick and mean and grouchy and just a bitch.  I have caught her stealing from me.  I hate to not be able to leave things in my home..MY HOME and them not be safe.  It makes me sick.

My oldest son is driving me nuts.  He has since he was conceived.  Honestly.  He has one whiney issue after another.  He has passed out twice this past couple weeks…why?  Drugs…drugs..drugs….and I told him up front…..you know where you need to go and who you need to call.  It is a little of this and that.  Xanax, pot, alittle pain pills.  I don’t know.  He is the only one of all them with that issue.  My second born is doing fantastic.  He got a promotion at work, had to move 3 hours from me, but he is doing very well for himself.  He came home this weekend with his new woman.  He came home because Friday is when the youngest was suppose to have his surgery, but the doctor had to go out of town and changed it till Monday and now he can’t be here.  He has to leave tonight and that is killing me.  I needed him so bad here with me.  He is my rock.  My third born is still living with his woman and working.  They are doing good.  He will be with me tomorrow.  My step son is doing good for himself.  He is making money in the coal mines and loving it.  LOL  Money is the only thing that moves that boy.  As long as he is happy I don’t care.

Now, my baby…my 13 year old.  If anyone out there reads this today or tonight.   I beg of you to say a prayer for him.  I am trusting in God with this.  I am learning to trust in God more and more.  Amazing how your life will change when you do that.  BUT, I still get that little stubborn block and try to take back the problems and get all nervous and whine and moan.  He has scolosis and he has to have it corrected.  I am praying for a nice easy surgery, for God the ultimate surgeon and physician to guide the doctors hands tomorrow and the healing process for him to be swift and wonderful.  I know he is going to hurt.  But, I am hoping he can with stand it and just do what they tell him to do and he will be up and moving along in his life.  After this surgery and him healing is when I need to start working more on my life.  I need to come to a place where I put my foot down and not allow him to still direct my life. 

He says…HE DOESN’T WANT A DIVORCE.  Ok, he doesn’t want a divorce, he doesn’t want to live here right now, he still wants me.  In all since of the word.  But, where do we go from that? How can anyone move on with the way we are right now?  We can’t.  He might beable to go on with his life still legally married to me and doing whatever, but I can’t do that.  I need something more.  Either we work on us or we forget us.  I guess I am one of those “non grey area” people.

I am off to get a bath and get dinner moving.  I will take my lap top to the hospital with me and while he is mending I hope I can continue with my posting.  I am hoping this time around this writing will be more productive.  It will teach me to let out the fears and problems, not keep them inside.  They arn’t going to go away.  I have to learn to deal with them.  Right?

Hugs

This blog is about the life of a recoverying pain pill addict housewife who lost her life as she once knew it. She is now trying to forge ahead in unknown territory. Learning how to be a single mom, learning how to handle and enjoy her recovery, work in a field that she never dreamed she would be in, learning to accept that life isn’t always fair, but we can’t just lay down and die either.   Most of all she is on a search to find the real woman inside herself.

If your wondering why this page has such a title as it does is because it never fails when him and me talk and are having discussions about our past, present or future, when we get to certain things that is when I hear “You know, everything isn’t always all about you!”  Well honey, I have found one place where I can make everything “all about me” if I choose to.  Here – in my little corner of cyber world.  Which he hates.  He swears this is what started the fall of our marriage and it could have been.  When he left and I had nothing to do I turned to a computer.  Now, wasn’t that better than turning to say…. HIS best friend?

Nuff said……………..

Holy cow it has been over a year since I have typed one word in this blog.  I didn’t even know if it was still here. 

What made me look for it you ask…… I have been going through so much lately and have typed in different phrases things like “Bored, seperated, ex pill popper middle age woman looking for strength”.  Yes, you read that right.  That is where my mind is at this time.  Lost in some black vortex.  I often wonder is there REALLY other people out there like me?  Well, after typing that in it took me to a lady who is keeping a blog about her addiction and recovery.  Which was here at word press.  I got to reading and then I remembered last year so many of the same names and groups that she spoke of I had joined at one time or another.  So, I clicked on her blog “Diary of a Quitter” I do believe was the name of it.  And, if the owner of that blog googles herself and this blog here comes up I want her to know I loved reading her writings.  So, after sitting and reading her blog and her life I thought “humm, I think I started a blog in this same place back in the day.  I put in wordpress.com and I use one user name and password for everything and sure enough here I am.  It’s amazing how my mind works and wonders.  I often wonder if I don’t have some form of adult ADHD.  I can start out in one area and before you know it one thought leads to another and I am totally on something very far off of what I had started.

Well, I got that all out.  I have been thinking.  Can I write daily in this blog?  Can I use it for some great purpose?  I like many others have started so many journals.  I can’t count them all.  I wonder if this is an addict thing?  Another issue I have about writing.  I really want to be a good writer and accomplish something, but when I have to get into the “real world of me”  I start freaking.  Like the bad stuff or the complicated stuff.  I know I should probably deal with it by writing or talking or something to that effect, but I usually just keep it inside.  Pray, or attempt to be a good child of God.  I want so desperately to be, but that to gets bogged down.  Like I start stuff, but for the life of me following through with it goes to the way side. 

Ok, the stuff that is causing me great pain right now.  I am still seperated from my husband.  But, we get together and do all the stuff married people do.  He just sleeps at a different place.  Sigh, if someone would have told me a year ago I was learning to accept this situation more I would have told them they were nuts.  For all you out there that told me time is a great healer….well, your right, but it took me a lot longer and I am still not THERE yet.  My son, my baby…..he has to have surgery Monday.  He isn’t a baby, but he is my baby.  He is 13 and has scolosis and they are going in to straighten him all up.  And, I am scared shitless.  But, I have to act strong for him.  I know his dad is to and he is dealing with this weekend as he usually does.  Running away and drinking and pretending that right this minute this very moment it isn’t happening.  Me?  I deal with it by pacing and googling stupid stuff.  And, trying to pray.  Praying.  lol  Now, I know God must think I am some trip.  I have read it all.  I have my rosary.  I have INTENTIONS about saying them 3 times a day and saying a Novena for 9 days or 9 hours straight.  I really WANT to be that type of person.  The problem is I seem to spend more time studing about praying that actually DOING IT.  Like everything else in my life.  I have great intentions I just rarely follow through.  My addiction….. still taking my suboxone.  I am taking to much.  I know this.  I do this for a living now.  I work in a doctors office and we have a suboxone program and I am the coordinator of it.  Some great leader I am still taking 24 mg.  I have cut down to 8 mgs a day, then sure enough I find a reason to go back up.  Either the fibro flares or I will admit…the STRESS flares.  I actually started freaking thinking that I am using the suboxone as a way of handling my problems.  That ole thinking “take a pill, it will solve the problem”, thinking.  I don’t think I am now though.  I went to this big round table disscussion that the makers of suboxone hosted in our area.  I was there with big wigs from a huge clinic of abuse.  They do suboxone but they are also a hospital for many other types of issues.  I listened so closely to the things they were saying and me and the doctor that I work with just sort of looked at each other, like, “are we doing this thing right?” 

The big wigs thinking is the dosing once a day.  NEVER stray from that, that promotes pill addiction.  Reminds us addicts that it’s time to take a pill to feel better and deal.  The big wigs also think really down on us addicts.  I did not let them know that along with the fact that I counsel substance abusers and head up a suboxone clinic I am also a recovering addict.  I had to hear what they had to say about us ADDICTS.  It was all rather intresting.  You know behind all that encouragement they give us in the back of their minds they are thinking “once and addict, always and addict.”  Also, “all addicts and addictions are the same”.  I don’t believe that.  I believe that there is a lot of things that are simular with all addictions but I don’t believe they are all the SAME.  I sometimes wonder if they are trying to keep us in “addict mode” as my one suboxone doctor told me about Methodone Clinics, for the money.  I can’t knock a methadone clinic.  That is where I found my suboxone treatment and had that clinic not been there I wouldn’t be here.  Simple as that.  But not all addicts are the same.  We are all different in one way or another.  I wonder if this is why I our patients seem to get along great with their treatment with us?  Because I know how they feel.  I know what their fears are, their hopes are.  I know the thoughts going through some of their minds.  And, some I share my secret with.  I share it when I think that person needs to hear it most.  That they arn’t alone and that they arn’t some street, needle junkie, that there are people like “me” who have shared the same problems.  Addiction does not just touch low lifes, or scums.  It doesn’t care who or what you are it will take over if the situations and the foundations are laid just right.

I have made a decision though.  I am starting my weaning process.  I have to … I have been clean since December 21, 2007.  I think it is time to start.  I shouldn’t have been on it this long.  I was only a pill head for what 2 1/2 years?  It isn’t something that happened to me from the time I was teenager.  Hell, I didn’t drink till the law said I could and I didn’t smoke pot until I was 22 years old.  And, both of those were never an issue.  I could take them or leave them.  Pain pills…. wow, that hit me and I don’t know where it came from.  I have had 6 major surgerys and each time came home with bottles of hydrocodone or percs and each time i rarely took the damn pills.  I would flush them or throw them away months later.  What happened in 2005 that changed me into a pill popping nut for 2 1/2 years? 

That is what I am hoping writing will help me find the answer to that question.  I can’t lie to myself.  And, no one may ever read this blog and get anything out of it, but I want to see that if I practice what I preach to my patients is true.  That writing is a wonderful way of expressing yourself.  Putting terrible things down that you feel you could never say to another human being.  I even told one lady that who knows….one day that journal I am pushing her to keep might become a best seller and help millions of other addicts out there.  And, she continues on because I make her dig deep inside herself and find that possible #1 best selling author that she could become.  I want her to believe it and get the courage to be the best she can be with out a pill or a bunch of meetings and therapist sessions that sometimes just confuses her more. 

I am NOT putting meetings down or therapist guys so don’t start bashing me.  I think 12 step programs are a great tool to add to the mix and therapy is for sure one of the top number one tools.  I just sometimes think we have to step outside the box and realize that not all treatment plans work for every person. 

I just went back and read some of what I have typed.  Am I a nut or what?  I am all over the place.  Just like my life….it is all over the place.

I need to start a plan of action for myself.  Set some goals for myself.  Quit worring so much about what my husband is doing and with who and what and if he loves me or not.  I need to do what I know is best for me…what will work and what I preach to my patients.  You have to put God first in your life, then yourself, then your family.

God first because … well, he is GOD.  The Father the creator of all this and us.  And His word is gold.  Yourself because if you don’t treat yourself good or don’t take good care of yourself you can’t do squat for anyone else. The family because you want them to grow up and be good people and get great jobs and meet the loves of their lives.  Yada, yada, yada.  THIS is what I NEED to do.  Not just talk about it, or read about it or study it, DO IT. 

I also need to work on finishing things.  I start a million projects and don’t accomplish a whole lot with any of them.

Hum…just looked at the clock.  Here is one of my phobias.  Where is my husband?  Is he alone there in that trailer?  Is he at that trailer or is he down the road with that bitch or with another bitch.  This is how it starts.  I have that thought, then another thought comes into play…such as … Why am I not good enough?  Why can’t he forgive me for what I did?  Why isn’t he here with me now, I am clean, I am still a good person.  TRUST…. on his side…and what about mine?  If I truely trusted him when I looked at the clock I wouldn’t start this crazy thought process.  But, you know it has gotten a whole lot better.  Before I would get in the car and go look….and sometimes I didn’t like what I found and sometimes I did some really crazy things.  Like beating his truck with his good golf club.  Driving down the road throwing his clothes out the windows.  Breaking every flower pot on bitches patio.  Things that could have and should have and thankfully did not get me arrested. 

Now, I just wonder what he is doing and I talk myself out of getting in the car and going anywhere.  And, I go to bed and start saying my rosary and fall asleep and my guardian angel has to finish my prayers for me and I am sure he is tired of having to do that.  I need to make the time for my maker and then follow through with all these wonderful ideas that float around in my head. 

And, ask forgiveness from my God and start a new AGAIN………………..  it is never ending isn’t it?  Will I ever get there?  To the good side, the good place again?

I thought I should really start writing more in this blog.  Don’t I say that everytime I come here?  Which is not daily like i had intended.

My life right now is very confusing.  It is exisiting.  He has left again.  He had to. 

I am stronger.  I know myself now that we can never have anything as long as I am settling for him to talk to her.  For her to call him.  Him to return her calls.  Him to go to where she works.  I can not settle for less than total commitment to our marriage. 

I think he is going through some mid life craziness and quite frankly he wouldn’t go through mine with me so why should I go through him with his?  Mine was not cheating and finding members of the opposite sex to pump me up. It was more mental and feeling worthless and was confussing.  I needed alone time and he turned to her during mine because I “ignored” him.  So be it.

Now, he can figure out what he wants in life.  He will never find another woman who will love him as I did.  It is his loss.

If he likes being single then so be it. 

I am tired of being sick.  Tired of thinking.  Tired of going through my days alone.  I really am.  I need to find something or someone to fill that love.  It is only fair.

I don’t know where we are going to end up.  We are in a financial bind right now.  We are just going through life. Our son is mad at his father and doesn’t want him here at all.  Not for anything.

He says “he is just going to leave again mom, he is just going to put you through the same shit he has been putting you though, he will never change.”

Here it is holiday time.  I soooo hate the holidays.  I have for 3 years now.  I don’t like anything which involves family time.  I have no family.  It is broken and spread out everywhere. With a million emotions running wild.  From the kids to the parents. To aunts, uncles and cousins. 

It is crazy.  It is nuts. Does this really happen to people?  Do people ever get through something like this?