How I will do it.

Since pills seems to be my thing in the past….it will be with that.  I just need to make sure to do it right and not mess it up.  Not let anyone find me before they do what they have to do in the time they have to do it.

I can’t live like this.  I can never trust another woman as a friend because of one woman.  My husband holds me and tells me he loves me and he goes no where near here and now I find out that is all a lie.

I hope one day someone finds this blog.

I am not a nut.  I was a woman who loved her family.  I wasn’t weird like she told me I was when I did things for him.  I wanted to do them.  I allowed her to turn me into a minney her.  He hated her, hated I watch her daughter and son.  Hated it I made little J play with him.

I was a perfectly good wife and mother and friend.  Until evil came in and I allowed it to take over.

To my children….I love you very much, I am very proud of you.

To my husband no one will ever love you the way I did.  Enjoy the rest of your life.

Keep my son away from that devil.

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I did it again

I let my blog go for over a week.  This past week has been a tough one.  I think now though we have figured out partly the reason.

My thyroid is going koo koo.  Yep, my T3 is high.  The T 4 is normal and the TSH is normal.  I don’t like being the odd ball.  But, of course I always am.  If I have to have thyroid problems why can’t it just be the normal ones like everyone else?  I have to have the one that is the most complicated.  I will wait till tomorrow and see what doc wants to do about it.

She started me on a high blood pressure med on Friday due to my legs and feet swelling like mad.  HCTZ is also a duriatic and she is hoping it takes some fluid off me.  I can’t believe I am slowly just getting more and more medical issues.

At least now I have the answer as to why I am so irritable, and tired.  Tired all the time.  I have no energy at all.  Here I am blaming it on the addiction and recovery process I am in and it is medical.  I guess we can get that taken care of.  I do go next Saturday for my mammogram which I missed the beginning of June.  I pray that comes back ok.  Please God let it.

One the personal life.  Last week my husband and I had a seemingly wonderful week.  This past week he hasn’t wanted to talk to me or touch me.  I just don’t understand him.  He is in some sort of mental whatever and will not do anything about it.

I am tired of just doing nothing with my life.  I work.  I need to do other things.  I need to go out. I need to feel loved and feel like I am a live.  Right now I feel like I am slowly dying and the end of my life is just a nothing. 

I read others blogs and I swear it seems like these people have such wonderful happy lives and here I am in misery.  I know I am the only one who can change that.  I have to make up my mind what I am willing to settle for.  Right?

My son is hovering over my back for the computer so I guess I will blog more later.

 

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I have gotten fat again

See, what happens when one gets to happy?  Or what I thought was happy.  When he said he wanted me, to come home to me, I got happy, let my guard down and started cooking and eating again.  Groaning.  How am I going to get it off this time?

Those damn pain pills helped the last time.  I would rather be fat than go back that route.

Maybe him not liking me again is enough to make me miserable and will help me lose weight again.

I know I have to do something.

The job doesn’t help either.  All those drug reps bringing in food for lunch!  augh!!  I mean good food from all kinds of places.

I guess I just need to start watching what I put in my mouth and start some sort of exercise program.

 

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I want to dream a little

I remember in my first marriage when I was so miserable I would make up day dreams.  They got me through my days.  I would pretend “mr right” was knocking on the door to come get me for some grand day out.  I would just dream about anything, anything that kept my mind off the hell that I was living.

I wonder when I stopped doing that?  I started taking life way to serious the past 20 years or so.  Is that growing up?  Humm?  Maybe that is why I don’t day dream anymore because I am 48 and I am suppose to be all grown up.

I don’t feel 48.  I really don’t.  I do feel like i haven’t lived my life.  Or, at least a happy life.  Which is of my own doing.  The choices I made.  I settled for less.  I was in fear half the time that I couldn’t do this or that, or that I didn’t deserve this or that.  I really let meself down.  Now half my life is over.  Actually, more than half cause I am a smoker. Ha ha!  Our family doesn’t have anyone that lived very long so if I want to make my life meaningful I better get busy pretty soon huh?

Days dreams………. what would I day dream about now?  At 48 what would I want to do in a day dream?

Well…see…he doesn’t know it yet, but Kenny Chesney is my 3rd husband.  <laughing hysterically here>  Let’s go with this ok?  Just humor me a little.  Let me day dream here. 

See, he seems to be the type of guy I would love to have in my life.  Not because he is some big singer and has money.  Money means nothing to me.  I have been poor and I have had enough that I didn’t have to worry for anything so money is just whatever.  It is the fact that what he does, he does because he loves it.  He goes out there and performs and sings no matter what (even when he catches his foot in an elevator).  He doesn’t want to disappoint those fans.  He is good at what he does because he “loves” what he is doing.  That makes a big difference in life you know.  You can make all the money in the world, but if you arn’t happy with what your doing why bother?

And, when his work is done he goes and retreats.  He takes his band and they go and relax.  This is where my day dream starts.  ha ha

I love the coast.  Any coast.  Warmer ones are nicer.  I hate the cold.  I wish I could describe the feeling I get when I get to the coast and see that huge vast ocean for the first time.  Or the feeling I get when I sink my feet into the warm sand.  Just to sit there in the sand and look out into that ocean.  You just know there is a God.  Who else could create something more beautiful and huge than God?  The ocean is peaceful.  it brings a calm over me that I can’t describe.  You sit and you look out and you wonder what is going on out there past what you can see. 

I would love for ole Kenny to just pick me up and say “ok, relaxing time is here babe, lets go”.  And, how ever many hours later we are stepping onto the warm sand there in the islands.  I so want to go to the islands.  My one dream.  I have to see them.  I have been through the Northeast coast, but I have to go down to the islands…..sigh….maybe one day.  Oopss….back to my day dream here.

We get there and there is no problems.  There is no him that is going to make me feel like a nothing.  No other woman that is going to harrass me and say “she won.”  There is peace. Peaceful days just lazying around on the beach.  Talking to local people.  Holding hands and going through the local shops.  Eating local food.  At night watching the sun go down and just feeling the warmth of God on your face.  There is happiness, peace, love, harmony.  Nothing bad.  No one to make me feel so sad.  So alone.  So worthless………..

As always the day dream seems to turn to a nightmare when I shake my head like I just did and realized that THIS is my life…..for now anyway……..

The day dream may happen one day……  one day……

Thanks for dreaming with me a little if you stuck through any of that.

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It’s Monday again

Yesterday was Fathers Day and no our youngest didn’t see his dad.  His dad golfed.  He did come home early and we all went to the bowling alley.  Of course he and I ended up in the lounge gambling.  He has me gambling again because that is the only place he wants to take me.  No dinners, no movies, no shopping.  Just gambling and that isn’t all the time, just occasionally.

I got this check a couple weeks ago.  Money seems to be the one thing that just stirs up awful arguments between us.

We went out with the money from the check a couple weeks ago gambling.  He locked a machine up where we were.  We then put more money in there.  Moved on to another place.  Come the next day of course we were down, but still had x amount in the envelope.  I had the envelope.  Big mistake.  It doesn’t matter if I have 20 dollars or 3000 dollars if I spend it I am a dog.  I am irresponsible.  I don’t pay one bill.  BUT, every pay day my check goes in his account which I assume pays the bills, and I rarely ask for any money anymore because it is just to much of a fight.  Do I question what he does with the remaining money from the check?  No, do I question him sitting in front of  a gambling machine 4 days a week?  No.  I spend 300 to 400 dollars….on gambling…my big mistake.  Admitted it, I screwed up.  But, I am just the most irresponsible dog in the world.  I don’t buy myself anything.  The damn bottle of perfume water I have was given to me.  I don’t buy jewelry or clothes.  I buy myself nothing.  I do nothing.  I don’t golf like he does.  He goes clothes shopping anymore like some woman.  I know I am rambling here, but I am so upset that he has made me feel like I contribute nothing to this household when I do.  Does he remember when we were seeing each other the damn money I gave him?  I am just so upset that I screw up last year and now for the rest of my life I am a dog.  Where is HIS forgiveness for me?  I forgive him for everything he does. 

I have been reading a lot or narcissist personalities. I honestly think he has a lot of those tendencies.  I really do.  I am the screw up in his eyes.  He makes me feel like I am going crazy.  He has no empathy for anyone or anything.  He shows none.  If I cry I am told to quit whining.  I am entitled to cry.  I am entitled to be upset.  He takes those feelings away from me.  Why?

I sometimes think that he makes up arguments so he can turn to her.  Maybe that is what it is.  I didn’t realize he had been going around talking to so many people about me.  About the problem I had.  He tells me I tell to much.  Or, I tell to much about him and here I find out what the heck he has been doing.

The more I write.  The more I live here.  I see that this man has many problems.  I love him yes, but HOW much must I endure of this?  I am a good person.  I am a faithful person.  I am the most forgiving person there is.  I do anything I can for others.  I allow others to just take from me. 

I deserve better than this.  Yes, I do. 

I posted in the Catholic prayer chapel that I forgive her for what she did to me. For having the affair with him, for lying to me.  I do forgive her.  I almost feel sorry for her.  I wonder if she realizes what she is getting into?  Does she see his mood swings?  Does she see his selfishness?  Does she read what I read on narcissist?  Does she see she is being used too?  He makes us feel so good till he nabs us then he takes control and slowly throws us out to the wolves and tortures us.  Mentally tortures us.

When he left in Dec I had nothing.

I do now.  If he was to leave.  I have a job.  I couldn’t make this house payment, but I could make most of the bills.  If I have to I can live on my own and raise my son.  What I want is the man i married back, but I don’t know if that is possible. 

I am scared.  I have no where to turn but to God.  I have given this to Him and basically I am just riding it out.  I guess the decision of my life will some how come to me and I will move with it.  Or, things here will stabilize.

I know I sound wishy washy today.  After that argument last night I am just shaky and broken.  Not sure which way to turn.

I am scared today.

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Brain fog?

I just came in here to post and get somethings off my chest and found those two posts I thought I lost in cyber world that day.  I finally published them.  They were on a day that was not so great around here.

Anymore there are more of those.

What does this man want from me? 

I am allowing him to hurt me, control me.  I am allowing him to decide when he wants to make it work and when he doesn’t.  I am allowing him to take his good ole time getting rid of her. 

He doesn’t love her, he doesn’t want a life with her as in marriage, relationship, but there is something he needs via friendship with her.  But, they crossed that line in my opinion when they slept together.  And, he hated her when she was my friend years ago.  He wouldn’t even let me go out with her.  Said she was bad news, wild, etc.  Said she was controlling me and making me do things I never would think of doing.  The fact is “he is right”!  But, when did it become their friendship?  He says when I was hooked on those pain pills that he had to get closer to her because at first he thought she was part of it.  She always wanted my life and bam, right there was her green light to go.  So, they just “happened?”

The fact is I can’t keep dwelling on it.  We he decided to come home we agreed to put the past in the past.  but, of  course now he is changing his mind on that…..sigh………….

I just want some happiness, some love, some normal life.  I am alone and I am tired of being alone.  Tired of waiting and waiting for him to decide today is it a MinneyMee day or a P day.  He admitts how selfish he is.  Why am I allowing it?

I wish I had some men advice.  I have womens advice all over the place.  I need a mans point of view.

Basically, I just pray and pray for him to.  He is messed up.  Confused in his head.  He needs to find God.  He really does.  He needs to get things right in his life. 

On a good note.  I am feeling pretty awesome.  I can’t believe I am 6 months clean from doctors getting me hooked on pain meds.  I don’t crave them anymore.  I am weaning down on the suboxone.  The anti depressant is working.  I have said it before…..withdrawing from pain pills was a hell of a lot easier than withdrawing from him. 

I think today I will head out to the pool.  Get some sun on me.  Then work in the basement.  Get the rest of this house back in order.

Little J is going to a friends house at 1 and I will have the place to myself.  P is golfing and everyone else is just gone.  Nice day to do what I always do….spend it alone.  Hey, at least the house is spotless.  I got that all done yesterday.

I might run and buy myself a new bathing suit.  I deserve it.

Signing out…………

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To tired to do it anymore

I am just to tired to do this life thing anymore.  I guess he has changed his mind since February.  He is now hiding his phone again.  He just goes out like he is some single guy.  He said “I am not your posession.”  I said “I remember a time when you said I was your posession and you would tell me no to going somewhere or doing something.”  I guess I need to face it.  This man that lives here now is not that same man that married me.  Something happened to him.  The more I talk to doctors it happened when he had that damn surgery to replace his hip.  Why couldn’t he settle for being disabled?  That surgery cost us all our life as we knew it.  It did.  Don’t laugh.  He had awful reactions tot he meds they gave him.  He has no memory of recovery or the hospital or even coming home.  Something happened to his mind, his thoughts, his personality. 

Now, the question is, “Do you want this man?”  You said “For better or worse, I have gone through so many worsts.”  I don’t know how many more I can go through. 

Does anyone know what it is like to have your husband screw you.  Kind of want you physically, but if that isn’t going on there is just silience.  Dinner and sex occassionally is all we share.  Sickening.  He doesn’t even like sex like he use to.

You know what I wanted to do sooooooo bad tonight?  And, I said it to him.  I wanted to get high.  Just go find a bunch of pills, take them and just sit and let the pain in my life fade for a bit.  You know what he said?  “Go ahead, that is a hell of a thing to say to me and to say in front of your child.”  It is the truth.  If only the suboxone wasn’t in me I would do it.  I guess I am thankful for the suboxone.  Atleast when the mood fades where I want to use I can say I didn’t because as long as I keep the sub in me I won’t get high.  Won’t take the pills.  But, oh, how good it would feel right now.  Just pop 2 or 3 of those percocet and sit back, relax, then get all that energy and go through the house like a mad woman clenaing. 

No, I am not going to. But, I do WANT that feeling right now.  I want this pain that our life is causing me to be washed away.  To just vanish.  It isn’t.  She is not going anywhere.  He is not himself.  Hell, I still don’t know who I am.  I can’t find ME.  Me is somewhere…..isn’t she?  I have tried to dig deep inside me and try to get some of her out, but I keep failing.

Why am I such a failure?  Failure with two marriages.  Failure with tihs house.  Failure with just about everything.  I am a good for nothing bitch basically.

He calls me a liar.  I told him he needs to rethink what he just said, I don’t not lie.  I might have in the past to find out what their sorry asses were doing,  Who the hell wouldn’t lie and sneak around if they knew their spouse was screwing your best friend would you just sit back and close your eyes to it? 

He makes me think I am nuts.  That no one would act the way I have.  I think most would hav just gone killed them both been done with it.

No, I am just a nagger.  I miss my mom….SOOOO BAD….she would know what to telll me.  She would drag his sorry ass down and tell him it is this way  And, he would have listened to her to.

Well I am off to read someother blogs….surely someones elses life is just as badk out there.

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Sighing and grumbling

I wrote my heart out yesterday and some how I lost it. I couldn’t even begin to try to rewrite those moods and thoughts at all.  Makes me mad. 

Well, I guess I will try again later.  I am in no mood right this second to even attempt it.

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Just rambling thoughts

Who starts a blog and then doesn’t post it in for a couple weeks?  ME! That is who.  I had all these emotions and thoughts and was putting them here and there for months, hell, years, and now I make a blog.  Make it so know one really knows who I am and I don’t even come back and post much in it.

I am here by making a vow to post at least daily something in my blog.  Ok, ok…atleast a few times a week. 

 

How is it I have so much to say but I feel to lazy to type it out?

 

I found out from my prior boss about her and my husbands conversation they had about a month ago.  God, I wish she had told me about it sooner.

I guess he went into the bar to gamble and Michelle was working.  She has him how I was.  He got really deep and chatty with her which is something he doesn’t do often.  He told her how I was doing fantastic and about how I am just doing great with handling the recovery part of my addiction and how proud he is of me.  She had no clue what I was going through with pain meds while I worked for her.  She was in shock.  Then, he told her how we talked and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me if we could put our past in our past.  That was when he came back home the end of Feb.  He told her than he loved me.  That he wasn’t coming back for little J or that we owned a home together but because he needed me in is life.  He said I was his best friend.  She ask him about HIS thing…what had happened with whats her name.  And, he said he was a man and he made a huge mistake.  She said but is she gone…out of your life.  He told her the truth that he had to get her out of his life that he was afraid that she would get to me and tell me lies.  That she was not a woman to piss off.  I don’t really care what he said about her.  Michelle said he actually had tears in his eyes when he was talking to her.

See, I firmly believe that my husband needs me and loves me.  He and I have a bond that is very strong.  We weathered a lot of roads in our past.  I also believe that this woman for some reason has weaved something in his head that he needs from her.  Friendship…whatever?  Comfort?  Who knows.  He told me he could never live with her wether he and I were together or not.  She isn’t the type of woman that he needs for a life partner.  He says that is not what their relationship is.  I say then why does she say she has been Fu*#&#( you for years?  He said because she is mean and cruel and a bitch.  He says it hasn’t been years.  Sigh…..  this is where I have typed enough.  I know when I have when that feeling gets in my stomach.

I love my husband with all my heart and soul.  He said that is one of the problems he has with me or us right now.  He said he looks at me and he wonders how can someone like me can love him and stay with him when he looks in the mirror and he doesn’t even like himself. 

I can only answer that the love I feel for him is strong enough to forgive anything he has done.  I know what a good man he is.  I know how he can be.  I know he and I together was ment to be.  I just pray to My God that He helps my husband along in all his troubles and that He finds himself again.

 

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