Information about Suboxone

I know most of you who have read what little I have actually accomplished on this blog, know that I am a recovery prescription pain pill abuser.  Actually, now days they don’t really call my case “abuser” they say “dependant or built a tolerance” to the pain medication.  Any way you look at it you see that it doesn’t matter really, one can get very use to opiates. 

I personally would say just from my studies, reading and going to conferences, talking to others like myself and treating my patients that opiates is by far the MOST addicting type of drug out there.  It is one where the with draw and cravings you will FEEL as if you dying, but you won’t, unlike a benzo with draw.  You stop benzo’s cold turkey and you end up generally having a seizure. Cocaine, is addicting, but again from what I have heard coming off that one still isn’t as bad.  Alcoholism, now there is opiates competer.  Of course alchol has been around it seems like for ever.  But, it is LEGAL to buy, consume and if not smart get yourself in a mess.

Here is some information that I have just picked up around the web that I thought I would share:

The following is a review on the book “Take Back Your Life From Pain Killers”

  

 

 

Suboxone is a very special medication. It has the amazing ability to allow patients dependant on legal or illegal medications, to experience a fully painless detoxification. The mechanism of this medication is totally unique, and is successful when other treatments fail. Hardcover version available (ISBN 0-9772729-9-0). Suboxone does not require in-patient treatment. It can simply be called into a local pharmacy over the phone. In contrast to pain medications, Suboxone use is strongly supported by the DEA, FDA, the Justice Department and all major addiction societies. You can take Suboxone 30 days or 30 years. And if you have chronic pain, it may be strong enough to replace your current pain medication. In this one-of-a-kind book, Dr. Schaller offers patients and practitioners highly useful information in the practical use of Suboxone. Dr. Schaller has worked with pain medications and addicted individuals his entire career. He is the author of fifteen books, and has invented dozens of unique pain treatments. He holds a Diplomate from the American Society of Pain Management and is the inventor of an antidepressant with anti-arthritis properties. As long ago as the early 1980’s, he was working as the Director of Education at a residential drug rehabilitation facility. Since then, he has helped a wide-range of people from all walks of life, and has successfully treated individuals with both psychiatric and addiction problems. He has extensive experience with 12 Step programs and alternative medicine addiction treatments. His passion is healing the many physiological causes of addiction which are often missed. Dr. Schaller is currently researching the body’s own narcotic stimulators, which are usually low in individuals struggling to maintain sobriety. Dr. Schaller offers services to individuals throughout the United States.

 

  The only thing that I can say about this piece is where it states it is STRONGLY supported by the DEA, STATE GOVERMENTS, ETC.  Here in WV it seems to me that our local officials, the pharmacists and law enforcement in general feel it is a pain in their asses.  They say there is more deversion with this drug, people are abusing it.  And, so on.  First, thre is diversion with MOST drugs.  Second the abusing it falls back onto the clinic it’s self. 

  

 I make sure at our clinic that each and every patient is drug screened every time they come.  They have to attend some sort of 12 step meetings or get into a drug counseling out patient program.  Sure the medicine is going to take all the nasty cravings away and the with draws, but it isn’t going to just magically take away WHY, HOW ETC that got you addicted in the first place.

  

 I remember sitting on my kitchen counter top long before I got help.  I crawled to the top shelf in the one cabinet that we keep prescription meds we were prescribed over the years.  There was so much hydrocodone and percocet I tought I hit and found the mother load.  What I sat there wondering while holding a bottle was, “These old scripts are from various surgeries I had had, dental work that was done, when I broke my leg.  Why are they there?  Shouldn’t I have taken them because of the PAIN that I was in after these procedure?  Why didn’t I take them?”  I found out some of the answers later.  Back then when those were prescribed I was happy (not cause Iwas in pain), but in my life.  The pain killers never really helped the pain.  It corked me a little but it didn’t really help the pain much.  Even the broken leg.  So, I stuck them up there and just handled it.

  

 Why was it in 2005 that I found that they calmed that depression?  They seemed to help me get through the troubling days.  They gave me energy to get everything done.  They helped with the menopause I was going through.  I wish I could explain it.  It is so hard to.Unless you go through it and I recommend that you do not go through it, you won’t be able to understand what I feel. 

  

There are so many stories out there.  It is funny, now it’s like I can pick them out.  Those who are abusing medication.  I know the physical signs, then just getting into a conversation with someone can lead you right to their addiction. Why?  Because they want to tell it, they want you to know and they want someone to desperatley show them a way to the end of all the pain it has caused.

 

When I ask a patient what are you wanting out of this?  They all say the same thing, some in different ways, but simply put they all mean the same thing:  ” I just want off the rollercoaster, I want to be normal again, have money again, not go to bed hurting and sweating and wondering what am I going to do for tomorrows fix?”

  

 I remember sitting in that counselors office.  I said “I want to be me again.  IF “me” is still inside here.” 

  

 I know I am not the same me.  God, I wish I was.  In most ways I am better, but in a lot of ways due to all that has happened in my life in what is now going on 6 years, I am also a very different me.  And, I don’t always like this me.

  

 

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Thoughts on being a Substance Abuse Counselor

 

If someone would have told me 2 years ago that I would be working in a doctors office and doing Suboxone inductions and counseling the same type of people I once was….I  would have laughed at them.  I really would have.  2 years ago I was still using.  I was working down the road at a bowling alley/fun center trying to figure out how to make my pay check go a million miles.  You know I had to have enough money to buy my habit and have enough money to bring home to prove I was working.  I was on a roller coaster ride to hell is where I was. 

December 15, 2007  I lost a friend to cancer.  She was my age.  She was also my biggest supplier.  I met her probably 2 years prior to the day she died.  She was selling hydro 10/650’s.  She got a load of those and OC’s.  I never was into the OC’s.  But, because she knew my husband she let me have the hydro’s for 2 bucks a pop.  Cheap, cheap cheap.  I sometimes think that is how the habit got so bad was being able at the beginning to find them so cheap.  When she needed hers towards the end there I had to find another source.  My habit then went to anywhere from 8-10 bucks a pills.  Percocets seemed like was always available and it ticked me off those were more expensive because to be perfectly honest those and a hydro was the same thing to me.  Never did the percocet give me a better or longer buzz.  I was just a pill head trying to survive in this awful world. 

Beck died.  I couldn’t even go to the funeral home because I was to ashamed.  I was running on slow because I couldn’t afford to get what I needed to make me function “normally” and I didn’t want to go there and have people think things about me.  That ruined a very good friendship I had with her sister.  Her sister didn’t talk to me for months because I “couldn’t even be there for HER”. 

It was December 20, 2007 that I went to the clinic to start on Suboxone.  I had been reading about it for months online.  I knew it was the way I had to do this.   I couldn’t find any doctors in this area so I just had to deal with the clinic.  It was 22.00 a day.  They didn’t accept insurance.  But, you know….I spent how much on my habit?  I found the money for the habit, so I found the money for the clean up of the habit.  I ended up finding a doctor that took me as a patient in Feb just a couple months later.  At the same time I started the job I am currently working.  But, as a medical assistant.  I thought it so ironic that here I was 2 months into my treatment and I was working for a doctor who prescribed more pain meds that I could ever imagine.  Honestly, it was an addicts dream job.  One of the perks of the job was she treated us if we needed a doctor.  I thought “Good Lord, if this was just 3 months ago I would have made up so many “injuries” for needing hydro’s, percs…whatever”.  Yes, she was a very niave doctor.  I watched people come in there and just use her to get their crap. 

At some point I found out that she could write my sub script for pain without her having certification to prescribe suboxone.  You need the certification if your writing it for opiate dep.  About a year ago I started on her about getting her certification.  I told her I would help her.  I found a CME online that she could do from the computer and her and I could do it together.  Before that I had started looking online to take classes for substance abuse counseling.  It all seemed to come together.

She got her certification in April of 2009.  We have 28 in our clinic.   She realized when I started doing regular drug screens on our patients that we had a big problem in our office.  Now, I would say we have more people who come in and get the scripts to go out and sell, but we had many who was very addicted.  I had released 50 patients my first 6 months working there.  The office manager ask me if I was trying to shut the office down.  I told her no, but we had a big problem in this world with addiction and diversion.  She told me I couldn’t save the whole world.  I told her “no, maybe not, but saving a small part makes you feel pretty good.

Since April have I learnt a hell of a lot!  First off, not everyone wants to get clean.  I have had patients who started the program, but ended up selling more sub than taking it. 

The younger ones are harder than what I will say the 30-50 year old range.  The older ones….we been doing it so long and just don’t have the energy to keep getting on that rollercoaster. 
We wouldn’t give a pill away let alone sell it!

Ihave had to go to court for a young lady who the CPS made get clean or lose her kids.  I knew from the first day that she wasn’t ready.  Even called her worker and told her as much.  But, I worked with her and worked with her.  She was always saying “I slipped up just a little this week”.  It was always one thing or another.  I didn’t want to give up on her, but I knew I wasn’t helping her either.  She had TO WANT the help.  I had to release her.  Found out that her husband was a big user.  They started selling her sub to support his habit and hers again.  Sad thing is… I think had he been behind her, maybe just maybe she would have made it.

Last week the court took her kids.  The judge ordered them both rehab and as he put it “You will do it the old fashion way, through in house rehab.  He then added that methadone and suboxone was not an option for either one of them.  They couldn’t take the “easy” way out”. Yep, those were his words.  I had to bite my lip.  (smile).  I mean suboxone by far was much easier to get clean than going through all the WD”s and all that, but I wanted to say to him, “Sir, addiction is addiction and yes, suboxone is a great TOOL to help with the physical part of it, but the mental part no matter how you do it…is all the same.” 

Then we had the dude that stole a script…wrote it….then had the balls to say that he and I were lovers and I was writing him scripts for people and selling them for 400 bucks a pop. HELLO…. I wanted to punch him in his face.  What really pisses me off.  He was my second inductee on the program and I was so proud of him.  He was working it, doing the 12 steps, seeing me and seeing another counselor….and seeing a PAROLE officer weekly for grand theft of fire arms.  Yep.  Shister from hell is what he was.  Threatened me and everything.

So, is my job rewarding?  Some days …I jump up and down and say yes, without a doubt.  Other days….when the phone rings and it is the “Here To Help” program that the makers of Suboxone has in place online or it is just another addict who found us online, I want to say “Sorry, our clinic is full. You might want to check back in a few months”.  (Like I said those are the bad days).   And, I said that I WANTED TO SAY…….  I never do.  But now I know what it is like to be on the other side of the telephone.  or the table in a counseling session.

I think it helps that I will sometimes share that I to am a recovering addict.  That I still take Suboxone.  But, Ihave learned the hard way that you can not share that information with just anyone.  You can get very hurt if you share it with the wrong people. 

In my job I basically just handle the “getting through certain parts of recovery”.  I am not qualified to do major counseling and dealing with duel problems.  Behavioral and addiction together or other depression issues or bi polar issues with addiction.  For that we have the clinic that actually saved my life on stand by and we refer patients to them.  We also have a contract with a couple other places in our area that does major counseling etc.

My clients schedule their appointments with me always on a monthly basis on the day they come in to see the doctor for the script refill, but there are some that in the beginning see me on a weekly basis.  I guess you could say I am a certified “friend” for them.  In all honesty….they help me as much as I help them.

So, here in 15 days I will be celebrating  2 years of soberiety from opiates. Is that really 730 days????????? Wow!

In some ways my life is so different and in other ways it is still so sad and sick.  My marriage ….my family.  I thought with my “getting clean” would bring us all back together and it be better than ever.  But, sadly, that is not the case for me.  I have a husband who harbors ill thoughts and feelings about that time of our life and the things I did. 

When, I see a patient and their spouse comes with them and I hear how wonderful their life is now since the other got clean and how this is great and that is wonderful and how the one stood behind the other.  I honestly have had to cut short the session and go bawl my eyes out.  I wonder “why couldn’t my recovery be like that”  “What did I do to not be forgiven”? “To not have a husband who smiles at me and thanks God that His wife is back”?  I mean he does say he is proud of me.  But, then there is always a but….. and for some reason he says things that I did that were so awlful and I know I was into the pills, but I wasn’t in a state that I don’t remember crap….he wants me to believe I did this or that.  That is when I tell him….you need to say that stuff to justify the affair you had during that time.

 

End of this session…… 

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The story of my addiction

 

I have sat down so many times in the past 4 months to write this.  Some how either it doesn’t come out the way I like it or I start it and get intrupted and when I come back I reread and the mood I was in has changed and it once again doesn’t sound right. 

 

It is funny, you lived it.  You remember it.  You have the feelings locked inside you, you just can’t always get it out the way you want to.  And, then part of me wants to desperatly put it all in the past.  Like my Sub doc said “Put it in a closet, lock the door and throw the key away.”  What happened to me, to you to any addict, we didn’t set out to purposly get ourselves to where we were.  It happened and we were living it and still didn’t know how it was happening.

 

I guess with start with a brief description of my childhood.  There was my dad and mom and my younger sister and myself in our family.  I remember as a little girl my mawmaw and pawpaw.  We didn’t really have a very big family.  My dad’s mom and dad came from Italy.  My mom had brothers and sisters and a mother, but I was not as close to her family as I was those on my dad’s side.  Dad had a brother who died when he was 24 of mysthia gravis.  I guess that is why now I have no family.  They all died so young.  My mawmaw of a brain tumor in 1970 and my pawpaw died more or less of a broken heart that same year.  Our childhood was a good childhood.  We were never abused.  Had the things we needed.  Felt love.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  My mom could be over bearing and very controlling.  She was a very nervous woman which I apparantly have inherited from her.  I remember when she went through menopause she just about lost her mind.  After she got over that and got a job though she was much better.  But, could still be controlling.  She just liked to know what we were doing, when we were doing it and just liked to be very involved in our lives.

 

I married at 19.  I like to think it was because I was madly in love.  But, to look back now I think it was because he was my first and really only boyfriend.  Before he came along I was pretty much sheltered as a child and didn’t date.  I met him via a friend in college.  I remember when he ask me to marry him my dad so no, that we were to young.  Young and dumb we were and we vowed that no one was going to stop us from getting married.  I also wonder sometimes in my mind if mom hadn’t been so controlling would I really have jumped into the marriage?  I guess we will never know that.

 

We got married.  Had our first child within a year.  He was a drinker, a cheater.  He introduced me to pot, he introduced me to drinking.  I remember the wild old fun we use to have.  But, I also remember that when I got fed up with it I stopped it.  Myself and him.  We ended up having 3 children together, all boys.  He never did stop his drinking.  It got worse.  Our bills would go unpaid and had my mother not paid them me and the kids would have been without electric, heat, and food.  We went with out a car for nearly a year.  It just seemed everytime he woudl get a promotion in a job he would do something to screw it up and the drinking always managed to cause the screw up.  He was fired for stealing, for sexual harrassment, for screwing his crew.  All over the board.

 

In 1988 I met the love of my life.  My husband now.  I was still married in the legal sense of it.  My love was also married.  Our love went on undiscovered for almost 7 years.  I ended up leaving my husband and divorcing him after he refused to come home for a 2 week period.  Then, when he did come home he had a big ole party and had quite a few women in bed with him there at our house.  My love of my life wasn’t free for a little while after me.  I thought we were perfect for each other, and he did to. 

 

My prayers were answered and in 1994 he and I moved in with each other.  We were finally together. 

 

I am not going to say that the years before that actually happened was bliss.  It was hard.  I would hear all sorts of rumors.  It was just a difficult time.  After we finally made it together things still weren’t perfect.  He was also a drinker, but Lord not to the extent of my first husband.  I would hear rumors about him to and he would keep me up many nights looking out the window wondering where he was.  But, through all of that my love for him kept me from hating him. 

 

This is where the story gets hard to tell. 

 

We ended up having a child in 1996.  We married in 1998.  It was beautful and life seemed so right.  We had some wonderful years there before our son went to school.

 

After he started school things started changing.  I started menopause.  I allowed a little boy who went to school with him befriend my son.  The little boy and his mother was … it is hard to explain.  In short the woman ended up being what I thought was my best friend in the world.  Her family, our family we did everything together.  I thought this was just the best thing that could ever happen to me. I had a great friend, my son had a friend, although my son was to keen on the boy.  I forced that friendship for my own selfish reasons.  To make this part shorter and less painful.  The friend would reenforce my feelings of my life.  I loved my husband and did everything for him…because I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed waiting on him hand and foot.  Enjoyed listening to him and having him take care of things for me.  I never had to worry about bills or supporting us.  He was a great provider.  It would bother me when he would go out.  By this time his ole drinking and bar hopping had slowed down to nearly nothing.  He had changed so much.  But, she still convinced me that the type of wife I was was crazy.  Women didn’t wait on their husbands.  Women didn’t ask if they could purchase something. Women went to bars and didn’t ask if it was ok with their husbands.  I believed her.  Here I was going through the most emotional time of my life with menopause and her pushing ideas into my ever crowded head.  It was awful …a terrible time for me.  Little did I know this woman wanted my life.  She wanted me to mess up.  She wanted my man.  I remember the awlful things she use to say about him.  Trying to convince me what a terrible person he was and here going behind my back sneaking to him. 

 

During all this I some how discovered pain pills.  My husband was getting ready to go through a hip replacement.  My sister was already addicted to them.  I had broke my ankle and that was my sisters excuse to “share” her pills with me.  For my ankle pain that still bothered me.  Life was going so fast back then.  The friend, the husband, the hormones, the kids, I didn’t know who or what I was.  I know when I took those pills I sure felt like I was “normal” and I had a ton of energy so I could keep up with it all. 

 

Those pills cost me a lot.  I would steal them from my husband, I would buy them from the street.  They changed me … I thought for the better, but apparantly to those around me they made me a different person.  In short of it all my husband started having an affair with the best friend because he turned to her thinking that she knew something about the drug abuse.  She seen the drug abuse as a way to get what she had always wanted.  All this equals up to Rita not being able to handle any of it and crash.  I remember in Feb of 06 I found out for sure they were seeing each other.  I remember him telling me it was because I had changed, I had lied and stole and I was different because of the pills.  I quit.  I quit cold turkey.  I was devastated.  I didn’t want to lose my husband, our marriage our family.  I remember that same night hearing him tell her on her voice mail that he loved her.  I spent a week in bed crying.  Those words he spoke to her brought me litterally to my knees.  I hurt like i never hurt before.  I cried like I never cried before.  I wanted to die.  If I did go through withdraws then I didn’t know it because I spent a week in bed crying and mourning for my marriage and my life back. 

 

He told me after that … that it was over with her.  Blah blah blah…lies, lies and more lies.  I stayed clean though.  I was a nervous wreck, but I stayed clean.  Till April.  When I once again found out they were still seeing each other.  Why I decided to turn back to the hydros I have no clue.  I just remember thinking I need to stop all this pain.  I need to be normal.  I found a doctor and used my fibromyalgia to get myself a script.  Worst thing in the world.  That was the beginning of the end.  And, almost the end of my life. 

 

I spent the next year popping pills, buying pills because I popped to many.  I lied and conned to get what my body needed. I remember how many times he would confront me and I would lie about my problem. I also remember reading that you can lie to everyone around you, but you can’t lie to the person staring back at you in the mirror.

 I realized I was an addict this past summer when I tried to just quit taking them.  I couldn’t.  I was on a rollercoaster from hell going 1000 miles a minute.  I would run out and panic.  I made sure I never ran out at any cost.  He was openly just seeing her then.  Really not caring if I found out.  He wouldn’t admit to it but he didn’t totally deny all of it either.  I really can’t remember a lot about those months.  I know I hurt, I knew I was sick and I knew that I had to some how get off the rollercoaster.  I knew one of two things were going to happen.  I was either going to end up in jail or I was going to end up dead.

 

He left me in December.  Our little boy was in bad shape. I was in bad shape.  The only one I think that wasn’t was the woman who was gaining my man.  Her husband had left her. My son was hating ever meeting her son.  My son wanted his dad home with us.  I was running around trying to find more pills to just handle it all. 

 

I lost my job the 19 of December.  I was ripped off a hundred plus dollars for pills.  I had my final pay check.  I had 10 10/500 percocets.  And, I had the information from the internet on Suboxone.  I just needed to find a doctor or a place to go.  I started calling numbers.  Our small town did not have any suboxone doctors.  I ended getting the phone number to the local methadone clinic and called them.  They also treated with Suboxone.  More than anything in the whole wide world I wanted this.  They almost didn’t take me.  I begged her.  I told her if I couldn’t come there in the morning that I would just end up dead.  I was powerless over this addiction.  I was powerless to stop.  I had tried so many times…which those I have omitted from this story.  I have skipped over a few things that happened mainly to cut this and maker it shorter.

 

I thank God everyday that the woman on the other end of the phone had compassion and told me to be there at 6 am the next morning and to be in withdraws.  I spent that day taking so many of my pills I had.  Told my husband what my plans were and prayed he would understand.  Talked to my oldest son who knew his mother had a problem.  Tried to talk to the other boys.  But, my main concern was just getting the help I needed. 

 

I woke up the next morning.  Drove to that clinic in the dark.  Sick as a dog.  And, to be honest with you….that was the best drive of my entire life.  I had squeeky brakes.  Snow spitting and even got lost.  I prayed to God to help me find this place as I was driving around lost.  And, out of the blue I did.  He was with me that morning.  That morning was the beginning of the rest of my life. 

 

I am now 142 days clean…. we are working on our marriage and putting our past in the past.  I have a wonderful new job that I love.  I feel like I have been given a second change at life.  I thank God every day.  I am thankful for the infomation that the internet provided me with.  Thankful for the real friends I do have in this life.  And, very thankful that suboxone was available to help me on my way to recovery.

 

I have much to live for.  I have goals I want to achieve.  I want to educate people on the dangers of prescription pain pills.  I want to help those who are in the place I use to be. 

 

But, most of all the thing I am most proud of is the fact that the person that looks back at me in the mirror is a better person, and an honest person.  One who wants to try to make amends to those she hurt.  When that woman looks back at me now she is smiling and happy and more than anything she went through hell and came out the other side and ready to handle what life gives her with God on her side.

I wrote that story in one of my forums.  You know when you sit down to write “your story” no matter what the problem you are writing about it seems that while typing you miss something here or there or you just don’t feel like going into that phase of it or something or other.

The story there is probably the closest I am going to get to the real thing.  Since during the course of 2 1/2 years I didn’t keep notes while I was popping pills.  The sick thing is.  In the begining it was Mr. Mee giving me pills to pop.  Did he think his wife was going to turn into an addict?  Not at that time.  I would have been the last person in the world to turn into an addict.

I do remember very vividly and he doesn’t like to hear this and yes it is an addicts cop out, but…………… had he not done what he did I would have never jumped back into my pill taking.  Those pills eased the pain he was causing me.  He will never agree to that.  But, I know what the truth is.

Maybe everything happens for a reason.  I was suppose to turn into an addict.  I was suppose to go through the pain of a husband and best friend having an affair.  I am suppose to still be going through that pain for some reason.

Any other woman would have left this man.  Would have told him good bye dude….I am moving on.  Why can’t I say those words?  Does he want me to say them?  Does he really want her?  See all these questions that linger around in my mind.  I sometimes feel like I am crazy.  I feel like I am a fool out here. 

Why do I stay with this man?  Why do I allow him to hurt me and to continue to hurt me?  Why do I allow him to be so selfish?  He said it himself.  If this situation was reversed he would have left me.

I think it is because he tells me he doesn’t want her.  He doesn’t want a life with her.  He wants the comfort she gives me as a friend.  The rest is nothing.  He said she is one of the most selfish, hard, miserable women he has ever met.  So, why does he need to turn to her?

Oh questions, questions…..no answers….so many questions……

The only solution I have to any of them is to just give it to God and pray. 

 

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