Information about Suboxone

I know most of you who have read what little I have actually accomplished on this blog, know that I am a recovery prescription pain pill abuser.  Actually, now days they don’t really call my case “abuser” they say “dependant or built a tolerance” to the pain medication.  Any way you look at it you see that it doesn’t matter really, one can get very use to opiates. 

I personally would say just from my studies, reading and going to conferences, talking to others like myself and treating my patients that opiates is by far the MOST addicting type of drug out there.  It is one where the with draw and cravings you will FEEL as if you dying, but you won’t, unlike a benzo with draw.  You stop benzo’s cold turkey and you end up generally having a seizure. Cocaine, is addicting, but again from what I have heard coming off that one still isn’t as bad.  Alcoholism, now there is opiates competer.  Of course alchol has been around it seems like for ever.  But, it is LEGAL to buy, consume and if not smart get yourself in a mess.

Here is some information that I have just picked up around the web that I thought I would share:

The following is a review on the book “Take Back Your Life From Pain Killers”

  

 

 

Suboxone is a very special medication. It has the amazing ability to allow patients dependant on legal or illegal medications, to experience a fully painless detoxification. The mechanism of this medication is totally unique, and is successful when other treatments fail. Hardcover version available (ISBN 0-9772729-9-0). Suboxone does not require in-patient treatment. It can simply be called into a local pharmacy over the phone. In contrast to pain medications, Suboxone use is strongly supported by the DEA, FDA, the Justice Department and all major addiction societies. You can take Suboxone 30 days or 30 years. And if you have chronic pain, it may be strong enough to replace your current pain medication. In this one-of-a-kind book, Dr. Schaller offers patients and practitioners highly useful information in the practical use of Suboxone. Dr. Schaller has worked with pain medications and addicted individuals his entire career. He is the author of fifteen books, and has invented dozens of unique pain treatments. He holds a Diplomate from the American Society of Pain Management and is the inventor of an antidepressant with anti-arthritis properties. As long ago as the early 1980’s, he was working as the Director of Education at a residential drug rehabilitation facility. Since then, he has helped a wide-range of people from all walks of life, and has successfully treated individuals with both psychiatric and addiction problems. He has extensive experience with 12 Step programs and alternative medicine addiction treatments. His passion is healing the many physiological causes of addiction which are often missed. Dr. Schaller is currently researching the body’s own narcotic stimulators, which are usually low in individuals struggling to maintain sobriety. Dr. Schaller offers services to individuals throughout the United States.

 

  The only thing that I can say about this piece is where it states it is STRONGLY supported by the DEA, STATE GOVERMENTS, ETC.  Here in WV it seems to me that our local officials, the pharmacists and law enforcement in general feel it is a pain in their asses.  They say there is more deversion with this drug, people are abusing it.  And, so on.  First, thre is diversion with MOST drugs.  Second the abusing it falls back onto the clinic it’s self. 

  

 I make sure at our clinic that each and every patient is drug screened every time they come.  They have to attend some sort of 12 step meetings or get into a drug counseling out patient program.  Sure the medicine is going to take all the nasty cravings away and the with draws, but it isn’t going to just magically take away WHY, HOW ETC that got you addicted in the first place.

  

 I remember sitting on my kitchen counter top long before I got help.  I crawled to the top shelf in the one cabinet that we keep prescription meds we were prescribed over the years.  There was so much hydrocodone and percocet I tought I hit and found the mother load.  What I sat there wondering while holding a bottle was, “These old scripts are from various surgeries I had had, dental work that was done, when I broke my leg.  Why are they there?  Shouldn’t I have taken them because of the PAIN that I was in after these procedure?  Why didn’t I take them?”  I found out some of the answers later.  Back then when those were prescribed I was happy (not cause Iwas in pain), but in my life.  The pain killers never really helped the pain.  It corked me a little but it didn’t really help the pain much.  Even the broken leg.  So, I stuck them up there and just handled it.

  

 Why was it in 2005 that I found that they calmed that depression?  They seemed to help me get through the troubling days.  They gave me energy to get everything done.  They helped with the menopause I was going through.  I wish I could explain it.  It is so hard to.Unless you go through it and I recommend that you do not go through it, you won’t be able to understand what I feel. 

  

There are so many stories out there.  It is funny, now it’s like I can pick them out.  Those who are abusing medication.  I know the physical signs, then just getting into a conversation with someone can lead you right to their addiction. Why?  Because they want to tell it, they want you to know and they want someone to desperatley show them a way to the end of all the pain it has caused.

 

When I ask a patient what are you wanting out of this?  They all say the same thing, some in different ways, but simply put they all mean the same thing:  ” I just want off the rollercoaster, I want to be normal again, have money again, not go to bed hurting and sweating and wondering what am I going to do for tomorrows fix?”

  

 I remember sitting in that counselors office.  I said “I want to be me again.  IF “me” is still inside here.” 

  

 I know I am not the same me.  God, I wish I was.  In most ways I am better, but in a lot of ways due to all that has happened in my life in what is now going on 6 years, I am also a very different me.  And, I don’t always like this me.

  

 

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My once in a blue moon check in

I run across this link to my blog about this time every year.  Is there some symbolic meaning to that?  Summer time…that is it.  In my life summers are either great or they are terriblly miserable.  I have lost my mom and dad and other close family members in the summer time .   I have had great love and hapand wonderful times in the summer.  And, I have found heart ache in the summer.   Lies, hurt, and well….just awlful things thatseem to happen. 

I posted a thank you to some that were concerned about me.  I am a live and breathing, but just not happy. Not living either.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

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Unconditional love?

 

What would you say unconditional love it? 

Is it:

Loving someone for who they are no matter what?

Loving them for what they do no matter what?

Loving them through the good the bad the ugly?

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2010?

 Hello world!!!!  I am ashamed.  I have not blogged for once again over a year.  I better not give up my day job.

Iam still around and do still get on the computer.  My life is still not much of a life and I still have to no clue what to do to fix it.  What I feel I do is just live it daily.  Not happily either.  I just breath, eat, go to work, do what has to be done and I come home. 

I have turned into a terrible mother.  I have a 14-year-old that I have no clue how he got to 14.  The last time I remember him being an age would have to be about 9 maybe?  He had is scolosis surgery last year!  I mean it will be a year in a week.  I can’t believe it.

His dad is still gone and I am not sure if it is due to me or just him being as miserable as myself, but he is so different.  Not that man I once knew.  Cold.  Won’t answer one question of mine.  Still  doesn’t want a divorce.  He use to come over all the time, but that stopped some time.  I can’t really remember when.  occasionally, if I mention sex he does come and take care of that part for me.  Sick that I can say that huh?  I don’t want any other man in that department, well, in any department.  Does he have sex with her?  I don’t know.  I do know she caught him having sex with some woman at his trailer one night when she snuck in.  What did she do?  She called me!  Like, huh, Crystal dear heart…why would you call me?  I knew it.  I know him.  I know him better than anyone else will ever know him.  She thought he was going to be loyal to her when he had the best he will ever have right here?  I laughed at her.  My one son was there that night.  He stays with his step dad.  What can I say he loves him.  He raised him and I am not going to do anything to ruin my kids relationship with him.  Crystal got a hold of his golf club and started beating his car.  My son went outside and called her a crazy bitch, told her to stop the shit.  She looked at him and said “Are you just going to let him cheat on ME?”  He said he looked at her and said “you crazy bitch he cheated on my mom with you, why in the hell would I care if he is cheating on you?”  I think what is really funny.  They were in the act, him pumping away on the woman and he somehow managed to convince the fat dummy that it wasn’t what it appeared to be.  ha ha ha ha.

I tried to call him back after she called to let me know about all the excitement, but he was on his cell phone with the chick he was thumping I presume….she jumped out the window in his bedroom.  God, I would have given a thousand bucks to be there. 

Does this bother me?  Well, at this point no….not with the other woman.  It was sex.  It is him.  I knew when I married him what he was.  I also knew that or thought I knew that he loved me.

I think I disappointed him.  I was the only thing that ever came in his life that accepted him for what he was.  Accepted him for what his childhood was.  And, who changed him for the better at one point.  We were the happiest couple, anyone who knew us knew that.  He was my king.  What happened?

I have had 5 long years to think about this.  Being that I was his only stable thing, the only one who knew him and accepted him for who and what he was.  He was very proud of his wife…as he would announce me.  HIS wife.  I would never cheat on him, still haven’t and never will.  I will die and he will be the last man who ever made love to me.

I often wonder if he didn’t realize that I was “normal”.  Just like any other woman out there.  I mean the whole time we were together up to that fateful time… I did for him as no other woman would probably do for a man.  He came first always.  When decisions were made I trusted that he knew what was best for us.  Financially, and in all other aspects of our lives.  When I went though menopause.  Or started menopause, that was when I changed.  That and Crystal’s entrance into our lives was the same time frame.  My 14-year-old has said it many times.  “All I remember mom is being MADE to play with some kid I didn’t even like.”  And, yes, I did make him play with her son.  I liked her.  I thought her and I shared so many of the views in life.  I wanted her as a friend so bad that I sold out my husband and sons for a friendship that was now what I know as a fantasy friendship.

She wasn’t happy in her marriage.  Or, maybe she was in the beginning, but once her and her husband and family was in our life she seen what she herself wanted.  She wanted a life such as mine. My king said the same thing.  She was very jealous of what I had, what we had.

I can’t really remember when it all started.  I would listen to her put him down so much.  Her tell me that I was crazy for “listening” or “asking” a man for something.  She would say he was disrespectful to me.  That he controlled me and that I shouldn’t allow that.  At first, I never once had a second thought as to what she was saying to me.  She went so far as to say what a terrible father he was.  How he did nothing with our son.  That he was selfish and did his own thing when he wanted.  He golfed to many days a week and was never home.  None of that bothered me.  Until, whatever changed in my head.  That is when the menopause started.  The crazy thoughts going through my mind.  I let so many people into my head, my life.  Instead of turning to him for what I needed.  Him helping me though it all I turned to her and I turned to the computer.  That is why he will often say “the computer broke up our marriage”.  What he means is I chose getting online vs going to bed with him at night.  I would stay up till all hours doing who knows what, because I don’t do it now. 

Then, in the mist of all this she has that little girl.  And, no, the girl is not his.  It is her husbands, or I should say her future ex husbands.  I volunteered to babysit.  When I told him that he blew.  He said why would he want to tie yourself down watching a baby?  We are at the point we have dreamed of Rita.  Where it is me and you and we can come and go as we please.  I felt sorry for her.  I did.  She stated she had to get back to work because her husband didn’t make money to pay all the bills.  No, he didn’t make enough money to keep all her wants that she insisted on having.  My husband said that to.  That is another thing I started doing.  She taughted me…. when we went shopping… are you really going to listen to him and stay on that budget he has you on? 

It is all so clear to me now.  To clear. 

He realized I was normal.  I was starting to do what other women did.  Lie and keep things from him.  I left him alone to go to sleep alone.  Sex,….. sex was always good with us.  We had sex all the time.  My mistake was letting her know that.  She after they started talking would tell him that I hated sex with him.  That I did it to shut him up or just to keep him off my back.

During the menopause thing did I want sex as much?  No.  But, I still wanted him to want me as much.  I never faked. He knew me to well.  I told him I didn’t have to be completely satisfied with sex, it was just being close to him that made me just as happy.

Then, the pain pills came along.  At first, not bad.  But, at some point they seemed to ease the symptoms of all the stress and bad going on in my life. 

I remember when her husband told me about them.  Letting me hear the voice mails etc.  I was crushed.  When I went to him he told me.  I do remember him asking me about the pills and if I was taking to many.  I would say no.  To him I lied.  To him….he realized I was normal.  I could screw up.  But, it was that Feb I quit cold turkey.  After hearing a voice mail he left her.  I got on my knees…. I didn’t stop crying for a week.  I laid in bed for over a week.  If there was with draws I didn’t know I was having them.  We talked.  He told me he was going to tell her that there would be no more phone calls, no more meetings.  I picked myself up slowly.  I trusted….I trusted…. then, months later I found out that he and her were still occasionally seeing each other.  I ask…he didn’t lie.  But, didn’t tell the whole truth either. 

That is when I think that old saying “I wasn’t feeding his needs and he got them fed else where came into play”.   From there it went down hill.  I started taking the pills again.  Oh how they eased some of the pain.  Then, it got so that the tolerance was so high I couldn’t keep up with it.   I lost jobs.  He left.  I finally got help.  He was proud of me.  I believe he was proud of me, but I now believe that he couldn’t forget that “HIS RITA, was normal”.  I could fall just like any other woman.

Since then so much has happened, too much has been said….

Does he love her as a man loves a lover?  No…. I know that from deep down.  But, he also feels guilt with her too.  She is now without a husband.  And, she plays games very well.  He knows this.  He has told me this. 

He will tell me I lied, she lied.  He has said nether of us want him, but doesn’t want the other to have him.  He is so wrong.  She wants him for money and help to raise her kids and pay for her bills.  She may have some feelings for him, but someone like her isn’t capable of love….deep love, unconditional love like he and I had.  He does do for her more than he does for me now.  But, I can’t blame him.  I have turned into one of those women …. a regular woman.  Not the woman he once had.  Why would he want that now?

I am insecure now.  At one time, in his arms I felt beautiful.  I never felt that my body wasn’t what he wanted.  My breasts are for sure not nearly and disgustingly as big as hers.  I am sure from what her husband says that she is a sex freak.  SEX.  Not love.  Her hair is long.  I cut mine off to spite someone.  Who knows who. 

My health now.  It is bad.  I never smile.  I work, try to make amends with him with finances, but have taken up gambling to ‘relax”.  None of that is me.  The me I once was at any rate.

I bombard him with questions.  He never answers, or has answered, but I think that they are not total truths so I ask again to try to get the truth.  I will never get what I am looking for.  I can try to try to be the person he once had.  But, will it ever happen?

Do I want him back?  I want the man I had back.  I don’t want the man that he has turned into, just like he didn’t want the woman I turned into.

Where do we go from here?  He says he doesn’t want a divorce.  But, he has said he doesn’t want to work on our marriage.  Why doesn’t he want the divorce?  Do I want one?  No.  But, why? 

I dont’ live now.  I exist.  I don’t smile.  I don’t laugh.  I don’t do one damn thing.  I don’t cook or clean.  I don’t go anywhere but maybe down the road to blow money.

I am lost.  He is lost.  Our son…all our sons….they all have different views on us.  They all have different feelings for us. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t blame him.  I don’t really blame me.  I blame us.  I blame her.  She at some point-set her sights on what she wanted.  But, I truly can’t just blame her either.  I had no idea by befriending her and telling her things that I thought girlfriends told each other would she turn them around to make me look like a woman who was settling for a man that was a nothing to her.  I allowed that to happen and that is my fault.

I will never have a friend like that again.  Never do I share anything with anyone except me.  Even this blog.  It is hidden to where people like her couldn’t find it. 

Why do I keep it when he hates me doing this?  I have to put the thoughts and words somewhere.  I have to be able to go back to something and reread it from the past to try to make some sense out of it all.

Does anything that happened in the past matter?  He will say no. I say that if you don’t have your past…which has good in it to then how can you ever move on to a future?  But, I mean a future with him only.  It is all so confusing that I don’t know where to turn to.

There are thoughts I have had that are not morally right.  I don’t want to leave this world in a sinful way….. but, I can’t live like this either.  I can’t say I have nothing to live for, because I do.  My children.  My grandchildren.

I need my husband.  I am not ashamed to say that in the least bit.  He kept me going.  He made me feel worth every breath I took.

I remember years ago praying to God, to please let us get together for forever.  And, He finally answered my prayers.  But, I don’t understand why He had this happen.  Is this the free will part of life?  I pray now….not nearly like I use to.  I sometimes feel as if I am not worthy to pray to our Lord.  I messed up.  Why should He gave me another chance?

I bought the book “The Purpose Driven Life”.  I have started it numerous times.  How do you read ONE chapter a day?  Is this a patience test book or what?

I have bought other books…but I lack one thing to make the suggestions in them work.  That is a partner that wants what I want. 

I don’t understand how he could fall in love with someone so quickly, even after what was going on with me…us.  Did I totally misread him?  Do I not know him the way I thought I did?  I knew he was selfish….but,it was always with his time not with HIMSELF.  What I mean is, it’s like he decided that our marriage would end just because of his thoughts and feelings.  I reminded him that during the beginning of our relationship when he went out and left me alone so much I didn’t take it upon myself to find someone to keep me company or to make me feel complete or better.  Those are the times he says “that’s the past”.  It’s over.  I want to scream….WHO SAYS ITS OVER?  YOU?  JUST YOU GET TO SAY THAT?

I have my thoughts with me and they are not good.  To sit and think about him down the road at her house, in her bed, taking a shower in her shower.  I can see him so clearly having sex with her.  Or, just getting in the car with her and her kids going to do something.  He has ask me why I want to torture myself with thoughts like that?  Maybe that is why he won’t answer my questions.

He says they don’t have sex.  He said yes, they have in the past.  But, it’s been forever ago.  No, I am not totally stupid.  She has told me what they do.  That is another thing.  When the one night her and I were up all night long texting and he was laying beside me.  he knew it was her.  But, then he swore the next day Imade it all up.  That I have such a great mind I can make a program that makes it seem that she has text me. 

I don’t know where or what to do.  I sometimes want to move from here.  But, that is running away and you can’t run away from something like this.  It will always be in your past whether you think about it or not.

I don’t want another man.  Never can I see myself sharing anything but with him.  So, I have accepted the fact that if he isn’t in my life, no one ever will be.

The thing I am having a hard time accepting is them, together, living together. Eventually, he asking me for a divorce because she tells him to get one.

There is only one who has a solution to all this and that is God.  There is a reason for all this.  There is a solution, but God is the only one with all the answers.

I know this stuff happens daily to couples,but I like to believe he and I were the exception to love.

I swear I did not see this coming.  I think back almost 6 years now and I still can not believe it happened.  I can’t believe that anyone was worth me and our family.

I look at him and wonder who he is.  I long for him to come back, but then I know it will never be the same.  Someone said I don’t want it to be the same, I would want now to be stronger and better and of course it would have to be different.

I don’t even know what it is that I want. 

All I can say over and over in my head is “how could she do this to me?”  And, to him I think “how is it that she is someone he would be attracted to?” 

She is brazen, and bold and she tells you what you will do.  Maybe that is what he wants now?  I don’t know. 

I can’t think anymore.  I ask God to erase everything in my mind.

I remember my mother in-law before we put her in that nursing home.  She said Paul is coming back home.  He loves you.  That woman is bad news.  And, she would say, “look what she did to my hair”.  that makes me smile.  If you knew Mother Mildred you would smile to.

Do you know that when his mom passed and when our son had his surgery…not one hug was shared between he and I?  Not for joy with Josh or for sadness when Mildred died.

But, I know he had to have received hugs by someone.

I am confused, lonely, sad and hateful.  I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed and sleep daily.  I hate my job.  I hate working with those pill heads.  I use to be proud of what I did.  I want out now.

I had my sister come here because I felt I needed her.  Now over half her family is living here and that is miserable. 

I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be with anyone.

I need help, but don’t know where to go.  I have one thing in my head and that is it.  Am I pathetic?  I don’t care.  It is how I am.

I want to scream for someone to fix me, but there is no fix.

So, I just continue day after day doing the same thing over and over and over.

I want help and answers, but the one I need them from won’t give them to me. 

But, then again, what if it isn’t what I want to hear?  Is that why he won’t give them to me? 

I feel so stupid. 

Once again this is Rita signing off.  I hope I will get her before another year flies by.

 

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