Thank you for those who commented to me. No, I haven’t done anything stupid…obviously since I am typing this. Do I WANT to be on this earth and dealing with this crap? NO Do I want to leave my 12 year old son here to possibly be raised by that bitch? NO
I have so much to update and right now isn’t the time, I have to get ready for work. I need guidance. I need others who have gone through this.
I need to talk to SOMEONE out there….ANYONE!
I am here, Shot is here. I swear, go to survivinginfidelity.com. 20,000+ people who have been marred by infidelity. There’s even a thread just for people who are dealing with a double betrayal like you are.
I have only written part of my story. I have had suicidal feelings since someone first explained what suicide is. I remember my first thought was, “That’s a good idea.” I have been working past that my whole life. I am afraid to live, afraid to die. I keep living though, first it was my Gram, then my kids who keep me alive. Now it is the hope of a new life, a normal life, maybe even a blessed life.
I can tell you things I have seen that might make you think I am crazy. One I believe I wrote about in my blog a/b my first serious suicide attempt (I had other half-hearted attempts when I was 12yo and 19yo). What it comes down to is we are meant to live, to walk our path. People who have suffered other betrayals and losses will say that infidelity is pretty much the worst that can happen. It’s like a death, a violation and a betrayal all wrapped into one. It goes deep. Even more when the other person is a ‘friend’. You have memories of them, of including that person in your life, of maybe a look that didn’t feel right or a moment when you felt excluded in your OWN MARRIAGE.
You have lived through it and you can. If you need people to talk to, post at survivinginfidelity.com. Shotthrutheheart knows my username there. I can’t post it as I am technically supposed to keep this ‘tell all’ blog separate from places where people know me. You join there, you will find people who have been through this pain. You will find support, encouragement and good advice from people who have fought their way through the trenches.
I am so relieved to hear you are okay. There are people who do care about you on the web. You might not know who we are, but we are here, your faithful readers who care about what goes on in your every day life.
I was so worried when I read your post, I quickly contacted Jem. She was a great comfort to me. She is always there for others.
We are both here for you whenever you need someone to talk to. I meant what I said in the other post I made. Contact me if you need to talk on the phone at any time.
Jem is very correct when she mentioned survivinginfidelity.com. There are wonderful people there who can help you when you need it the most.
I am going to visit that site. I need to know how others feel. I need to know I am not crazy.
How did all this happen?
How does your best friend do this? It has been almost 3 years and it still hurts.
It happened because he doesn’t have proper boundaries. He is using her as a crutch for something in him that’s broken. He’s using you as a crutch too. Take out that support and he will wobble and fall.
It still hurts b/c it’s a huge betrayal. It also still hurts b/c the jerk is still in touch with the slut. They can not have sex, but if they are still in contact, they are keeping the affair going in one manner or another.
An affair is a fantasy. They convince each other they are wonderful. That those awful feelings they have about themselves deep inside are misplaced. So they have to try and continue the fantasy so the feelings- which got even worse when they treated their loved ones w/ such cruelty- continue. Deep down inside, they know it doesn’t have enough substance to last, or they’d be together. What we really and truly want, we make happen.
So they live their lie, pretending to be star-crossed lovers. As a betrayed spouse, our only choices are to put up with it or make them face reality. I vote- face reality. 🙂
I wish I could crawl in his head. Back in Feb when we talked and he wanted to come home. He ask if I could put the past in the past and we start over. He said it wasn’t going to be easy. His reason for asking me to be patient on her stopping the phone calls was because she is a trouble maker. He worried that she would cause trouble, tell me lies etc. I told him as long as he didn’t lie to me I could handle it.
Fast forward to about 5 weeks ago and things go haywire. I noticed a change in him. One thing that has always bothered him is when I retaliate to her on the computer. She would type something on my AIM space and I would just get aggravated and do something stupid back. She would call him and tell him I started it. He hates computers. He says the computer stole his wife a few years back. He told me and he told her he didn’t want to hear no shit about who wrote what on what if it came from that computer.
Something happened around that time. Up till then he would ignore her calls. Then, I caught her down at his work. I think I posted about that. It wasn’t nice. That threw whatever into craziness. He couldn’t believe me, little ole me, sweet little old me could grab her and get ready to punch her. His wife would never do that. His wife would never do half the stuff i have done. I can only take so much.
So somewhere around there he says…..when we talked in Feb and I said I wanted to come back home I wasn’t think of me and how it would effect me. I was only thinking of you and how it effected you. I am still not sure what he means by that. I ask him if he loved her. He says no. I ask him what is it then? She comforts him…..she is that type of friend. Whatever is what I say.
He says his head is all messed up. He doesn’t understand how I can live everyday with him, still love him because when he looks in the mirror he doesn’t even like himself.
He will not go to counseling he doesn’t believe in it. I actually don’t either.
Another issue is…..and i know all along this has bothered him. He hates to punch a time clock. Hates being checked up on…questioned over and over. I can do that. Although, here lately I have really backed off. Not for his sake, but for mine. I am trying to gather the strength to do what I feel is right for me and our son. I don’t want to lose my husband. I love him with all my heart. I forgave him and was willing to put the past in the past, but he obviously can’t do that and I have given and given for 20 years. Put up with stuff no other woman would have and it is time for me. I don’t want to be alone or live without him, but sooner or later he has to learn that he can not continue to do this to me. I am a human being with feelings. I hurt. I deserve better.
I will not settle for them having a friendship. I am sorry I can’t give that. I have given a lot…but, I draw the line there.
to all you ladies,,,THEY CHEATED it’s not anyones fault but the cheaters fault. They lied cheated and staying with an A-hole like that just makes it easier for other men to think they can get away with it too. Men will continue to cheat as long as women let them..for gods sake stop blaming the other woman yeah shes a dumb sh*t too but , after all shes not the one who made you promises HE did…….A man who cheats will always cheat, he may just get sneakier at it after getting caught .
Oh good grief Kathy. Yes, he made the vows and he’s repairing what he’s done?
What has the other woman done? The first one basically said, “I was hot for him so I went after him, all the while pretending to be your friend. I hurt when it ended (weeks later).”
The second? “It’s your fault, I have no regrets. I needed this ‘luuuuuv’. ” and worse.
If I am held down by someone and raped by someone else, then I sure as hell blame the person who held me down as much as the rapist. We lack accountability in society. Acting against societies rules (such as infidelities) will get you judgment, resentment, revenge and so on. Women like this make a choice. It doesn’t matter who they are promised to. What matters is that we are supposed to be held to a higher standard as people than dogs rutting in the street.
You can surely see that Minney has had enough pain, she doesn’t need to be lectured on who to blame. No betrayed spouse does. We are always ACUTELY aware of who has hurt us. The problem is, it is mixed with affection, while often we have none for the other person.
I need to post some updates here on my blog. I have neglected it so!
He has left again.
There is so much we need to work through before we can move forward.
The other woman… she is something. Him… God…I can’t even explain it all.
She won’t stop…he knows that he can not come to me to even talk about a future until she is gone…I mean gone from our lives forever.
What will the future bring? Who knows. I take it a day at a time and try to just keep myself from calling him, thinking of him. It is hard.